1. Just text us first. We love it. Promise. It doesn’t make you look weak or unmanly.
2. While you’re at it, come up with something more creative than “what’s up” to start off our interaction.
3. Replying to the paragraph-long anecdote we sent you with a “haha” or a “nice” is soul crushing. Stop that.
4. Punctuation is not the enemy. Also, using the wrong “to” or “your” is quite possibly one of the least attractive things you can do. Look it up.
5. Replying to my 2pm text at midnight is unacceptable (barring admission to the hospital, and it better have been for something gruesome that rendered you unconscious).
6. That said, when initiating texts after 10pm, do not expect to get laid that night. Plan in advance buddy.
7. I can see you typing. You know this. If you aren’t going to reply, can you please have the decency to delete the space you accidentally entered in the text bar? YOU HAVE BEEN TYPING FOR HOURS AND IT’S KILLING ME.
8. Suggesting we “hang out” is for pussies. Fucking ask me on a date. D-a-t-e. I know it’s hard to spell, but you got this.
9. Do ask how our day is going. I know, showing that you might care an iota about us makes you foop (fart-poop) a little bit, but that will pass.
10. The winky face emoticon should be used carefully and strategically. Never, I repeat NEVER, open with that. It’s creepy.
11. We just met. Babe, love, darling, sweetie, sugar or any other words thrown around in a bakery are not acceptable greetings. I have a name, asshole. Did you already forget it?
12. Last, but certainly not least, if you’re a dick, then forget all of the above and DON’T WASTE OUR TIME.