These Amazon Reviews Of Gummi Bears Are The Funniest Thing You’ll Read All Day

Shutterstock / CuorerouC
Shutterstock / CuorerouC

Many of you are familiar with these colorful German Gummies. You know, the ones you’ve seen idly hanging at every convenience store that you’re never inclined to buy, but once they’re in front of you you’ll consume uncontrollably. Apparently, the sugar free substitute in these delicious bears results in consumers experiencing gastric disasters like no other. Whether you’re looking for a way to seek sweet revenge (no pun intended), or an easy weight loss regimen, Haribo Sugarless Gummy Bears may be the solution for you.

In case you had any doubts, here are some reviews of the tasty treat.

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“Just Don’t. Unless it’s a gift for someone you hate.”

Oh man…words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear “Cleanse”. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!

First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety…I was a happy camper.

BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I’ve ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I’ve had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.

But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond) as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.

AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.

I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.

I have FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.

Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.

Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers ,etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can’t imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.

If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don’t post a video review during the aftershocks

“Be sure to buy Oxyclean too!”

Be sure to also buy a tub of Oxyclean with this to get the blood and diarrhea stains out of your underwear, clothes, furniture, pets, loved ones, ceiling fans.

“I’m pretty sure I lost a kidney.”

I nearly shat myself a kidney, or my spleen…I definitely heard the distinctive “ching” of that penny I swallowed back in ’82…and I can now fit back into the jeans I wore in high school…so not all bad, I suppose.

“Yup, believe the hype.”

I saw the product reviews and told some coworkers, so we bought a bag (because who doesn’t want to spend the workday on the toilet AND get paid, right??). Brought them in yesterday morning and a bunch of the guys immediately downed a handful each. Within half an hour they were in the bathroom. Best moment of the day was when one of them (who had been in the bathroom for half an hour by that point) texted one of the others. ‘If you think it’s a fart…it’s NOT’ haaaaaa

“It’s. all. true.”

OMG. Everything previously written is true. It’s all true. Don’t eat more than 15 in a sitting unless you are trying to power wash your intestines

“Ideal Gift For Your Congressional Representatives.”

The reviews are so helpful. It is so difficult to be sure you are buying something over the Internet that is exactly what you are searching for.

I am sending a bag of these to every member of Congress to show my deepest gratitude.

“Simultaneous death vomit.”

It starts with a murmer, a slow soft rumbling in your stomach.

It grows into a growl, like a small dog protecting her young.

Then the thunder starts, echoing through your innards like the drums of Mordor.

The Kraken has awoken and your anus will never be the same again.

A fluid almost likeable to a volcanic substance escapes your anus with an anger, a hatred that will change your life forever.

Twice in my life I have vomited simultaneously from mouth and my rectum, once when I had gastroenteritis and once when I consumed Haribos Devil Bears.

DO NOT PURCHASE, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE!!!

“Fully Weaponized Gummy Bears.”

I bought a bag because I’m trying to cut down on sugar. It seems Haribo has replaced the sucrose in a typical batch of Gummy Bears with colon-shredding rage. Just a couple of handfuls left me crying for my mommy on the bathroom floor (I am 43 years old).

The cute little tricksters look just like their benign counterparts, with the same cuddly ears, stubby arms and not-too-squishy, not-too-firm texture. The taste is the same too, and that’s how the little demons invade your innards. I ate a dozen or so and then went about my day, oblivious to the angry, brown fire hose that they were constructing in my colon.

The cramping started about an hour later, and soon enough I was as bloated as a balloon in Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to stampede from my backside, laying waste to my home’s septic system AND my will to live. After three hours of pelvis-shaking misery, I was spongy, weak, and amazed that I had any bones left. I cursed Haribo with the little strength I could muster.

“You don’t understand.”

No. I see you considering purchasing these. A fun little prank to play on your digestional tract.

“These are Satan. Bears.”

Myself and a few buddys, after laughing about some reviews, decided to buy some. Weapon storage was all it was. The package came a few days later, and we chuckled and tried some.

These mother frickers are fabulous. The taste is like having a package of skittles pee on your taste buds. Truly astounding. So, as they are delicious, I decided to eat a few more. And then some more. Nothing really happened that night. A little bloating, some discomfort, nothing to fret about. So, praising the nine that I must have been one who can tolerate the sugar substitute, when I got to work the next day, I sat down with a bowl and chowed down.

That night. Oh God forgive that night.

I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When I wasn’t experiencing Satan’s fury exploding from my rear, I was lying in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. I am a 280 pound man. I. Was. Sobbing.

When it was finally over, I couldn’t move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat, motionless, until my dehydration finally required that I drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is absolutely, 100% true.

Eat two at a time. Three if you’re brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, DO NOT EAT ANY MORE.

“Gastrointestinal Armageddon.”

When I got these, I couldn’t contain my excitement and I ate about a quarter of a bag. Scenes from the movie 2012 could have been filmed inside my gut. There would have been less pressure to make two winning free throws in the NBA finals than for gas to escape my bowels. After a few hours, I had an EXTREME build-up of gas with no relief. All I could do was lie on my bed and pray for a fart. That might sound funny, but when you’ve eaten something that has basically turned you into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka, you’re pleading for your relief. Well, the farts came and I lived through it but I not only had a visit from the fart fairy, but the sales rep from Montezuma’s Revenge stopped by and gave me a FULL demo of their services as well.

In retrospect, eating over a pound all at once wasn’t the brightest thing I’ve done (but it also wasn’t the dimmest). If I go back and finish the bag off, I’ll probably leave a suicide note.

Customers who bought this also bought:

  • Pepto-Bismol
  • 4 pack of baby wipes
  • Stomach pump
  • Air Freshener
  • Coffee Straws
  • Gatorade
  • Bullets

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Consider yourself warned! To read more of these hysterical reviews and/or for the daring individuals who want to purchase and take on the gummy challenge, check them out here. TC mark

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