girl in red and white jacket standing beside window

73 Questions With My Subconscious

Why are you here and not there? Why do you hate anger so much? Why do you avoid it? Why does it feel wrong in your body? Is that a good thing?

Why does eye contact not scare you? What makes you sad? Okay, fine, what makes you sad today? Are you still afraid of being happy? Are you happy? What does gratitude feel like in your body?

Why does the phrase ‘hang in there’ make you want to cry? How do you tell them you don’t want to drink because it makes you depressed? Do you say that? Or do you just drink anyway?

Will you ever stop buying plants?

Where do you put the other half of the words, the ones that don’t end up on the page? Is there a graveyard of lifeless prose somewhere? What is it about another human being’s embrace that feels so good? Why do you like the feeling of another heart so close to yours?

Which words do you sometimes forget how to spell and why is it rhyme or rhythm? Is that a metaphor for the way you never want to forget the rhythm of their heart?

Is there a way to react to bad news that is both appropriate and empathetic, but also safe for you and your heart? Is there a way you want someone to respond to your bad news? Have you told them? How are they supposed to know? Why are you not more patient? How do you become more patient?

What do you do when it gets bad again? Why do you talk about it like it’s not a big deal when it is? What’s wrong with you? Do you think they can tell? How good have your coping mechanisms gotten? How do you know if they are healthy or not? Who decides what moderation is? Is everything really okay in moderation? What if it’s something really bad?

How many thoughts do you have a day that you don’t say out loud? Should you have said some of them? Why or why not? How do I tell them it’s bad again? Is everyone’s scale of 1-10 the same? What is your ‘level 10’ pain? If you haven’t experienced it, what do you think it would be?

When was the last time you called your mom? Should you call your mom? When did you first find out about what runs in your family? What childhood traumas do you think you’ve brought into adulthood? Do you think you’re normal? Do you even want to be normal?

Have you ever wished your face expressed more emotion than it does? Did you used to laugh more? Why do you cry like that when you laugh? What don’t they understand about you? What do you wish you could fix? What subject were you really bad at in school? How do you think your experience with that subject shaped what you do now?

Why do you want their opinion? Have you asked your own opinion yet? Don’t you think you matter? How do you get more light days than heavy ones? Do you think you’re better than everyone? Do you think you’re way, way worse? Don’t you think you’re probably neither?

When was the last time you took a deep breath? Did you just take one? Should you take another? Are you thinking of everyone you love? Did you forget to think of everyone that loves you? Did you forget to think of yourself?

Why do you ask so many questions? Do you think people hate your questions? Are all of these rhetorical or am I supposed to answer them?

Writer, poet, athlete.

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