I’m Never Going To Be A Runner

two people standing beside each other near body of water
Chad Madden / Unsplash

I talk a lot about running like it’s something I do. But just because I am the one to drop you off and drive away doesn’t mean I’m the one leaving. I tell you that you’re brave and then I walk you to the door. I am not a runner. Not in the way I made myself out to be.

I am a little too proud sometimes. I am perpetually afraid of anger. I am a handful of chocolate chips from the cupboard at 2am, and another at 3. I am water wasted while brushing my teeth. I am multitasker when I should be focused. I am passionate to the point of never letting you get a word in edgewise. I am all memory and no refresh. I am the calmest person in this line up, but I am also elevator button pushed five times in hopes it comes faster. I am contradictions. I am debater. I am a whole box of cereal at 4am. I am food as comfort. Sitting on the shower floor as comfort. Listening to the same song on repeat until I’ve gone through every scenario, as comfort. I am walking alone at night when I should be in bed. I am risks when I should be safety. I am a lot of things. But a runner is not one of them.

I stick around. That’s actually what I’m known for. I’d answer the phone at 4 am and pick you up anywhere. I’d walk with you when you’re drunk and show up on the sidewalk outside my window. Drive you to the beach because you need to feel the sand between your toes. Tell you stories. Give you poems – I mean really give you poems. I don’t come even close to running.

It was said once that people like you need people like me. To show you there is love, even when you think it’s gone. To show you there is someone who will love you through it all. Even when – especially when – you don’t deserve it. Whether it’s true or not, this was my justification for never letting go. For never running.

So I said cry in my Windsor arms and I’ll walk with you on Kingston streets. Call me and I’ll play you the sound of waves into the phone. Say this is the feeling you are searching for and I’ll nod my head. Say you need to be on your own and I’ll nod my head. Do what you need to do, and I’ll nod my head. I never ran. And for that, I can hold my head, and my love, high. I am and have always been okay with that ending. TC mark

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