An Incomplete List Of The Texts I Never Sent You

[*] What parts of me still touch you? If any?

[*] I feel very yellow today. Like everything is covered in a faded honey-tinged veil, except it’s not sweet, it’s kind of dull. What colour do you feel like today?

[*] Go listen to the entire album by Tom Misch

[*] I’ve reached what feels like such a pivotal turning point. Social media has finally stopped showing me your posts or that you’re online.

[*] … Just kidding there you are again

[*] I love nostalgia. I love remembering your breath. I love forgetting and going searching to find new crevices in a memory. Openings I can sink my heart back into. It feels like stopping to rest under the shade of a tree.

[*] I heard this song today and it reminded me of the scent of your skin. Your arms, specifically.

[*] I’m glad the shirt fits

[*] Are you going to say happy birthday to me? I just need to mentally prepare myself for whatever you decide to do.

[*] What exactly makes you decide whether you will like one of my photos? Is it a conscious decision? What factors do you weigh, if any? I have my theories.

[*] Sometimes, things I have written simultaneously intrigue and scare me. Remembering the intensity to which certain feelings were felt is almost like breaking open all over again.

[*] There are mountains of me you never climbed. I wish you’d scale my heart just one more time.

[*] This whole magnetic, theory of attraction thing is crazy eh?

[*] My imagination does a fantastic job bringing you to life even after all this time…

[*] I read that those with thinner sections of grey matter tend to perceive less of a threat and therefore seek greater thrills. Remember when I told you I didn’t have a grey area? Now I understand why I was so drawn to you.

[*] I like keeping you on your toes, apparently. I don’t do it intentionally. It’s not a game. It’s just the way you told me you would never get bored with me, and the way my subconscious took it like a promise I must keep. I never wanted to disappoint you.

[*] Tell me about a time where you thought of me and it made you smile. Tell me about a time where it made you sad.

[*] Do you ever miss me enough to write about me? I want to be the muse for a change.

[*] Don’t lose me. It’s too easy for me to run off unannounced. I ran off in grocery stores as a child. I am trying not to run home from bars alone as much as I used to. I’ll be okay on my own, but still, please don’t let me get too far.

[*] Do you remember what it felt like to tell the truth and not feel bad about it?

[*] I love taking photos out bus windows and sometimes when I look across the aisle I think you’d like to be sitting there, seeing this too.

[*] I know you hate when one eye goes smaller than the other. I love it. Someone pointed out that mine did that once and I stopped dead, waiting for them to say your name. As if they knew.

[*] I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and fell asleep 20 minutes in. It’s so like me to fall asleep during the part where the memory is being erased. I guess I don’t want to believe it’s possible to erase someone.

[*] Do you ever wonder what I’m like now?

[*] You never tried to stop my sadness. You never took it upon you to fix it. I loved that. That you knew it wasn’t your burden to fix. Your selfishness was appealing.

[*] What do I look like when you’ve seen me but I haven’t seen you?

[*] … Like in the grocery store. The first time, you came up behind me. I was buying spaghetti squash and bananas. When I heard your voice in my ear, my heart stopped.

[*] … The second time I was elbow deep in chocolate covered almonds and you were with your parents. I almost handed them one like an offering.

[*] Sometimes thinking about you makes me feel like I’m walking down the hall to my locker on my birthday in 8th grade. I don’t know what that means.

[*] Do you still have the last piece of the door in your back pocket?

[*] I drew your arms that big on the card because that’s how they feel to me. TC mark

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