1. You have no idea what Tinder is and are remarkably okay with that. Food ordering apps? Yes. Guy ordering apps? Not so much.
2. Skin-Firming is now an eye-catching term in the cosmetics aisle. Lotion with SPF 15: good. Lotion with SPF 15 and Anti-Aging technology: even better.
3. Cast members on The Real World look like 5th graders. Side note: You feel creepy watching The Real World.
4. NOW! is on Volume 285. Because there’s no better Throwback Thursday pic than your copy of NOW! 7 with The Spice Girls on it.
5. Your lip products are generally less glossy. In fact, the more you think about sparkly globbity-goo that smells like cinnamon buns that you wear on your lips, the more you wonder what is wrong with society.
6. Taking shots is no longer in your repertoire. You find yourself asking, “Do you have pinot noir?” at bars with sticky floors that only take cash.
7. Everything you learned in college is now irrelevant. Remember buying textbooks? And then selling them back? Yeah, that’s archaic.
8. You are mildly irrelevant. …Remind me again what exactly can a 28-year-old bring to the table?
9. You wonder why there isn’t a national noise ordinance from 10 pm to 10 am. I only say this because my neighbors beer pong game always seems to start at my bedtime: 10:30 pm.
10. There’s no greater feeling than plans getting canceled. The chorus of Pharrell’s “Happy” literally plays in your head as soon as you get the text message: “I’m so sorry, something came up. Can we reschedule?”
11. You ghost out of every social event you attend. Every social situation. Saying goodbye and being polite and courteous is so overrated. Your bed is calling. Get out of there!
12. You have a career that makes you wallow slightly in the fact that you weren’t just born a Kardashian. Quarterly reports. Budgeting. Communal fridges. I mean, come on.
13. The fact that there are people out there who are getting Catfished right now is beyond you. Wait, so you were exclusively dating for two years and never met in person?
14. Those shoes are cute. But only if they’re comfortable to walk in. My new go-to footwear brand may or may not be Aerosoles. Sue me.
15. $100 for a haircut and blow-dry seems unfathomable. Instead, you look for a cosmetology school where untrained students will attempt to give you their version of balayage for $15. Because that will work out nicely.
16. Grabbing a necklace from Forever21 for $4.80 feels like ordering a Happy Meal. Fully expecting the associate at the register to tell me she could get fired selling me a t-shirt for $3.80.
17. Everything goes to your ass. A double cheeseburger or a venti green tea. Doesn’t matter. Straight to your ass, and not in the good way.
18. Your 10-year High School reunion is taunting you. Do I double up on Spanx and face star-quarterback Ricky Smitz 10 years later, or do I stay home and order GrubHub. That is the question…
19. Eyeliner is no longer a prerequisite for leaving the house. Please. You’re lucky if I put on a bra.
20. Dating a guy your dad’s age is not at all out of the question. Because now our brain perceives them as “established and wealthy” not “old and creepy.”
21. You’re referred to as “that woman over there” vs. “that young lady over there.” The DMV, post office, and doctor’s office waiting rooms are all a testament to this.
22. You’re too old to have any career in social media whatsoever. “I could tweet for Nike.” No. No you can’t.
23. It’s never felt better to be asked to see some I.D. in the bar. Until you find out it’s their policy to card everyone….
24. Inserting a tampon feels daunting. Really? This song and dance again? Pad me.
25. Sexting becomes a use-it-or-lose-it ability. If you have to ask yourself, “Does this sound sexy or silly?” then you’re doing it wrong. Or, you’re 28.
26. You still can’t afford furniture from Crate and Barrel. Or napkin rings from Crate and Barrel for that matter.
27. According to Facebook, everyone is pregnant. If you are forced to “Like” another sonogram picture, you are going to lose it.
28. You are aging…but Taylor Swift is not. How are her songs still about boy-girl parties and first kisses?