If The Republicans Were Smart: A Guide To Beating Donald Trump AND Hillary Clinton

I love Hillary Clinton. I want her to be president of the United States. I would have voted for her in 2008, but I was 15. I was pissed. I couldn’t vote for her then and pledged to support her to the bitter end the next time she ran.

I also graduated with a BA in political science. I spent two years in Washington D.C. and two in Sacramento. I live and breathe the New York Times like a religion. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is my Oprah. I am a hardcore Democrat.

More than anything, though, I am terrified of Donald Trump.

In August I sat in a friend’s New York City apartment and drank every time someone said something dumb in the first Republican debate. I got wasted. Donald Trump was funny. He was a total asshole. He was who everyone was talking about, but nobody minded. He was never going to be president, after all. The American people aren’t that dumb.

Fast forward to March. Donald Trump is killing the Republican primary game, and I am terrified. Like searching for jobs in other countries terrified. I’ve started praying that the Republicans get their shit together. I have never prayed in my entire life. Ever.

Here’s the thing, though. The Republicans can beat Donald Trump, I believe in them. I hate the Republican establishment as much as any Democrat. I have questioned their intelligence and their morals on more than one occasion, but I think they can be smart about this.

Here is how they can kill Donald Trump’s campaign and beat Hillary Clinton in the process:

Marco Rubio has dropped out of the race. Some of you might be thinking that this is great, and in a way it totally is. One less Republican with a stage to stand on, all of the United States his audience. However, it also brings us one step closer to Trump being the Republican nominee.

So Marco Rubio dropped out, right? Now what?

Ted Cruz should drop out too. Ted Cruz sucks. He’s a total dick and none of his colleagues in the Senate like him. He’s never going to be President. He should quit while he still has his dignity, but that’s not why he should do it.

He should drop out because when you drop out of the race all of your delegates are released. It becomes an Electoral College free-for-all. Think the vice presidential fight at the Democratic Convention in House of Cards this season, that’s totally not a spoiler. These delegates now have to pick a new candidate to cast their votes for.

If Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are both out of the race then there are a ton of delegates up for grabs. Donald Trump could win them. Or he could lose them.

All of the hope for Republican establishment would be on the shoulders of John Kasich. If it happened strategically, the Republicans could push Donald Trump out, but only if Kasich was his only opponent.

Kasich, compared to the rest of the potential Republican nominees, is pretty moderate. Contrary to popular belief, the American people like moderates—at least in general elections. Kasich is pro-life, but also believes in global warming. People like him, he doesn’t seem to have skeletons in his closet. Unlike Rubio and Cruz, who both lost the primaries in their home states to Trump, Kasich won his in a landslide.

If the Republicans were smart, they would throw their entire weight behind John Kasich. Rubio and Cruz should set aside their (enormous) egos and support him. They should make speeches about how great Kasich is. They should tell all the people who voted for them in the primaries to support him. They should keep talking about how crazy and inexperienced Donald Trump is, probably without the dick jokes, and use their newfound celebrity to propel Kasich to the top.

Now, there is no way I am going to vote for Kasich. I really like my reproductive rights and love Hillary Clinton. Love her or hate her, she is a bad bitch. She will get shit done. I want her in the White House because she is smart, has foreign policy experience and is respected worldwide. As much as I would love to see a woman become President of the United States, I am not voting for her because she is a woman. Is it an added bonus? Of course. But I don’t use my vagina to decide who I am voting for. I use my brain, and I think the vast majority of woman who are voting for Clinton are in the same boat.   

Here’s the thing though, there are a ton of people who want Trump to be president. Just look at his primary turnout. Look at the homepage of any news website and his face is all over it. People are talking about him. People are voting for or in spite of him. As much as I am all for political participation, I think that Americans need to realize that he could really be our president. No joke. We could have a spray-tanned, wall-building, misogynistic president. That’s real.

Now, if we don’t want that, we need to figure out ways to beat him.

Democrats, I have a ton of faith in you, but you need to convince Republicans to do their part too. This is not about electing a Democrat. This is not about bipartisanship. This is about making sure Donald Trump never gets the nuclear codes.

So, Republicans, get out there and fix this. If you’re not registered to vote, fucking register. If your primary is quickly approaching, vote in it. Vote for Kasich. Pressure Ted Cruz to drop out of the race and start stomping for Kasich. Write your members of Congress. Tell them to do the same.

Kasich can beat Trump. He can beat Hillary. Know your enemies weaknesses. Trump’s weakness is reason. Hillary’s is that nobody trusts her. Kasich is reasonable and people trust him. His home state loves him.

I have faith in you, America. I really do, but you need to play the game better. Be smarter, be faster. Eat your Wheaties and get down to business.