At the age of 26 (give or take a few years), the majority of us will experience the honor of having a complete nervous breakdown. Some will call it a “quarter life crisis,” some will call it a “transitional period,” but really, you are just mentally, emotionally and physically melting down. Feel it. Embrace it.
Unsure if this is currently happening to you? Let’s explore how you’ll know:
1. You’ll listen to Drake’s “Started from the Bottom” on repeat.
There will be a dance to accompany the music, for sure. It will be better than anything Drake has ever dreamt up, and you’ll have plenty of time and energy for nothing else but to choreograph this. Bonus points for your melt down if you allow your friend to record it on her phone and use it to blackmail you for the rest of your life.
2. You’ll watch GIRLS and compare your nervous breakdown to Marni’s.
Okay, this is generally for human beings of the female persuasion, but you get the idea. If you are a dude, just pick a dude show where some bro is slowly losing his mind.
Anyway, your breakdown will most likely mirror Marni’s nervous breakdown, but instead of performing a soulful, bluesy (read: a pathetic cry for help) version of Kanye West’s “Stronger,” it will be Drake’s banger (see above).
3. You’ll quit your job.
You’ll get tired of waking up and spending time at a job you hate day after day, so you’ll quit said job. You will convince yourself this is the best move, and then about 2 weeks into your unemployment you’ll burst into tears because you think you should’ve just let the job eat you from the inside out whilst getting paid shit.
You’ll probably bartend or waitress and sit around thinking of all the reasons of why you are sort of happier, but also probably, intensely unemployable.
4. You’ll consider dating the most ridiculous people ever.
This sounds harsh calling people you wouldn’t normally fall for ‘ridiculous,’ or categorizing people in your life like this, but who is the real hot mess? It’s you. You are a monster— never forget that.
Want to date a Republican? You won’t actually because at that point you should just admit yourself to a psych ward, but you’ll consider it and let him buy you dinner. Want to mess around with bartenders (really anyone employed in the restaurant/hospitality industry)? DO IT. There’s no future in it and there doesn’t have to be… that’s the beauty of it.
5. You’ll quote Taylor Swift in therapy.
You will, 100%, quote Taylor Swift’s “22” in therapy. Even if you aren’t close to the age of 22. “We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time”?? PREACH IT, TAY! “It’s miserable and magical”— OH EM GEE! That girl knows me better than I know myself. Words like that will come out of your mouth and you’ll hate yourself a little bit.
6. You’ll seriously consider joining a cult. (At least Google what the steps to joining one consist of).
It’s worth a quick Google just to get some facts. You’ll need these facts to make the best and most informed decision. Plus, I don’t think cults make you pay rent, so there’s that.
7. You’ll have the intense desire to turn your blood into alcohol the majority of the time whenever it’s after 6pm.
You would never seriously drink while the sun is up; you aren’t that deep into a nervous breakdown. It’s also really important that you drunk text exes or your crush on a Tuesday night, because why the hell not? Your life is falling apart, let’s make it more unbelievable and embarrassing.
8. You’ll make sure Tostitos tortilla chips count as a meal.
THE SALSA COUNTS AS SERVNG OF VEGETABLES, OKAY?!?!? STOP JUDGING ME!!
9. You’ll go to the gym only to watch Saved by the Bell on E!
Hell no, you are not going to the gym to better your health and increase those natural endorphins to get you out of your funk. You are going solely to watch Saved by the Bell so generously broadcasted on E! from 7-9AM. Let’s all just stand up and slow clap for Ryan Seacrest for this one, assuming he was the genius behind this programming. *Swoon Zack Morris and those sweaters*
10. You’ll list and itemize all the signs of a nervous breakdown.
Just curating this list should be enough for you to name your nervous breakdown. And it needs to be done, so just do it, accept it. It will really allow you to see how your life is in shambles and make you feel even shittier.