8 Things I Can’t Do In This Adult World

1. Going grocery shopping: I’m the worst at this. I have the best intentions when going to buy food. I even make a list of all the essentials, I cut out all the proper coupons and make a plan in my schedule to go to the cheaper market.

But in reality, I always forget the list, I definitely forget the coupons and go haphazardly (and famished) into the most expensive grocery store. I just end up buying the most ridiculous items like $7 string cheese, $4 Amy Burritos and $8 Peppermint Oreos. (And I obviously eat the Oreos for dinner).

2. Bed linens: I do not have a second pair of sheets. I have one set of sheets and for at least one night every 2 weeks I have to sleep sans bed sheets while they’re at the cleaners. Should I be washing my sheets more than once every 2 weeks? I don’t really know because is there a universal rule for that type of thing? I do know once my mother reads this and realizes I only have one set of sheets I will be receiving an angry phone call of disappointment.

3. Changing of light bulbs: I moved into my current apartment a year ago and there are still lightbulbs in the ceiling that do not work. And yes, I realized these lightbulbs were not working when I signed the lease and that’s something that should have been fixed. What’s my excuse? The ceiling is too high for me to reach and I’m seriously convinced my landlord will murder me for calling him about the lightbulbs. Also, lightbulbs are fucking expensive and I’d honestly rather spend that $10 on a manicure. Or tequila.

4. Cooking proper meals: Full disclosure, I’m the worst cook out there. I have no patience and therefore burn everything. Eggs? Rubbery and brown. Grilled cheese? If you like blackened bread, come over for dinner and let me seduce you. Microwaved popcorn? That’s what’s for dinner, good sir! If I didn’t live with another person who cooks like a real human being, I would be eating chick peas out of a can until I land that Italian Chef for a husband I’ve been crossing my fingers for.

5. Budget: Don’t even ask me to budget my funds. I honestly could not tell you what I spend my money on, but all I know is I look at my W2 at the end of the year and think “OH EM GEE! Where did all that money go?” I know as some form of an adult I should have a hefty savings account and a 401K, but my savings is more like a “hey I want to go out and get drunk tonight” account, and I have no goddamn clue what a 401K is, but I know people/adults get really excited about it.

6. Alcohol: At 26 you should definitely know what you prefer to drink, what you can and can not drink, and what you can afford to drink. I don’t have any of these concepts nailed down. I don’t have a “go to” drink and will order whatever the person next to me just ordered because I’m literally having a panic attack at the prospect of speaking to the bartender about my alcoholic desires. I’m not really sure what liquor makes me want to puke, and I certainly spend money on drinks when I’m questioning how I’m going to pay my rent. Yes, I know I need to get it together.

7. Fighting: And to be clear, I don’t mean physical fighting, I mean verbal arguments. As an adult, I should probably be able to tell someone when I’m angry at them or when their actions are upsetting me, or when they took one of my magnets when they moved out and I want it back! The fact that I’m passive aggressively writing this right now is proof enough that I don’t handle conflict like an adult. (but seriously, I need those magnets back because it physically pains me it’s living in your new apartment and not in mine).

8. Not nap: As an adult I should not be scheduling naps in my day, but I just fucking love sleeping so much that I still make time for tiger snoozes because I’m a goddamn toddler.