1. Finding a job is the most frightening thing in the world.
The majority of us were blessed with growing up on mantras like “follow your dreams” and “you can be whatever you want when you grow up,” but that isn’t the truth. It’s a lie. I’ve done all that I’m supposed to do; yet I still wake up most days wondering why I’m spending 9+ hours at a desk when I really want to be Tweeting insane things to celebrities. (Don’t even ask about my career aspirations)
Not even the Pussy Cat Dolls’ “When I Grow Up” can help me now.
2. Following dreams
This relates to #1, but in a more fantastical manner. Are we meant to follow our hearts and chase after even the wildest of dreams? One of my favorite pastimes with my father is playing the game “What I would do if I won the lottery?” It sounds gluttonous, and it totally is, but the ‘pie in the sky’ mentality is boss. It’s how I choose to live my life.
It becomes an issue when you can’t afford that pie… or shampoo. Following your dreams is hard when you realize you actually aren’t from the Gossip Girl breed of human beings.
Love is so fucking confusing. I’m in my mid-twenties and as a child I imagined I would be engaged to Zack Morris , Jonathan Taylor Thomas or Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez by now. Obviously that is not happening because Zack is a fictional hottie, JTT is pro-life and Benny — well, I Google’d him and he’s a firefighter in LA (swoon), so I can still make that one work (call me ;)).
I will never NOT believe in love, but shit gets hard. Not even Katy Perry convinces me it’ll be okay after my heart has been so carelessly shattered by the boy in the grey t-shirt with the Instagram filtered smile. And he didn’t even break up with me via text (Way harsh, Brand).
I can’t even combine this with #3 because at this point in our lives sex and love are not synonymous (sorry mom and dad). When did everyone become so cool with casual sex? I missed that memo and I’m an unsexy mess. I apologize to all guys for my awkwardness and my inappropriate penis jokes that are made on first dates.
5. Health Insurance
What the hell? Why wasn’t there a mandatory class in college regarding this matter? Forget the fact that the HealthCare.gov website is jacked up to immeasurable heights and please explain to me what insurance really does, and how I can fit this into a budget that doesn’t really exist?
The pharmacists at Duane Reade just aren’t cutting it anymore and Obama is not answering my emails.
6. Making Doctor Appointments
Please don’t ask me to pick up the phone and schedule an appointment for myself. True story: I still go to my childhood dentist because my mother makes the appointment for me and accompanies me to the visit. I know doctors save lives and all but they are the worst, and I don’t know how I’m expected to grow a pair and make appointments like an adult. I can heal anything with NyQuil.
Shouldn’t I know how much my liver can handle at this point? Shouldn’t I know drinking massive amounts of tequila when feeling any emotion besides elation is not a good idea? Someone along the road taught me not to spend my last $20 on margaritas, right? Well, apparently not because I did that last weekend.
Haircuts are the most expensive thing on this planet. If you are a female a basic haircut, a trim if you are into jargon, costs at least $50. $50!?!?! WHAT!? I miss the days when my mother paid for my haircuts. And by that I mean, I miss last year when I went home under the impression I missed the people who created me, but really I just needed a haircut. I’m an awful daughter. I’m sorry.
9. Eating Dinner
Or lunch. Or breakfast. Where do these meals come from because I haven’t had the 3 of them all in the same day in months.
10. Enjoying Things 13 Year Olds Enjoy
ABC Family shows? Sign me up! Boy bands? Cannot get enough. I don’t ever want to stop watching Pretty Little Liars and don’t even suggest I stop swooning over One Direction (they’re all of age, I checked).
I thoroughly enjoy things teenage girls like and I do not know why. It’s in my DNA and I can’t stop science. If not growing up and being a fan girl at heart is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
I saw a commercial that stated “If you’ve had chicken pox, you have the shingles virus in your body… RIGHT NOW.” What the fuck is that? How can you say that in a commercial so nonchalantly? Now, my biggest fear in life is that I have shingles, and the man in the commercial did not seem to enjoy harboring that virus. It’s very stressful.
12. Going to the gym
THE. WORST. Please don’t talk to me whilst wearing Luluemon pants about how you love Pilates, because unless you said “pie” and “lattes,” I don’t want to hear about it. Yes, I go to the gym every morning, but I literally think of ways to fake my own death as my alarm goes off so I never have to step on the elliptical again.