I Will Always Be A Misbehaved Woman

Let me tell you why some of us seem like we don’t have it together
Tough on the surface, but lost as fuck once you start to unpeel our layers
Insanely persistent yet barely dipping into what you think is our true potential
First let me assure you nothing is wrong with our minds
It is simply that our hearts aren’t in the right place
A man once asked me if I always made decisions based on my “emotions”
As if it were a weakness
As if aligning what you do with your happiness is ill-minded
But he had it twisted
Of course I make decisions based on my emotions
We all do, perhaps less of us are aware of it
Why would I do the same thing over and over expecting a different result simply because it
seemed “rational”?
That is insanity
When I am not happy with an aspect of my life
Let me tell you I OBSESSIVELY search for a way to change it
Because I DO believe in making decisions based on emotions
But I also believe you should be aware of your emotions
I would not act on my anger if it means severely hurting another person

My emotions allow me to tap into the inner being inside
The one who has ALWAYS known what she wants
But was sidetracked because of the pressure people in her life imposed on her
And in trying to please everyone (because that’s what good girls do)
She ended up losing the path her heart so deeply yearned to walk
The only way for her to align her life with her joy again
Was to first acknowledge that she was sad
Ask herself why that was the case
Then boldly proceed in the opposite direction of everyone around her
Despite the impact it had on her relationships
Because a woman who loves herself
Truly loves herself
Will not let anyone hand her a blind agenda to follow
She CHOOSES the role she wants to play
She searches ferociously for her place in the world, despite the challenges

I refused many roles throughout my life
I refused the to be the perfect Lebanese daughter who studies medicine, engineering, or law
I refused to be the shiny keychain a man dangles in front of his friends and snaps off once he’s
bored
I refused to be the spare key a man calls upon only in times of emergency
I refused to be the token wife who takes a man’s bullshit for a salary
I refused to suppress my sexual curiosity just to preserve my body as some kind of prize for my
future husband
I refused to be the delayer of satisfaction waiting until my bones were brittle to see the world
And right now, I refuse to be the silent girl who lets her appearance do the talking for her

When I look at my life now, it all seems so straightforward
My parents trust in my actions
My friends respect my achievements
But there was a time where I questioned whether there would be ground under my feet if I took
another step
And I know now that it’s because I was paralyzed by fear
“What will people think?”
“What if my mom’s right?”
“What if I’m truly just a lost case?”
Trading comfort to chase my passion was scary as hell
I had to learn how to self-motivate
To walk away from slimy situations disguised in glitter
To trust my gut in desperate times when I was too embarrassed to ask others for help
To realize the men who were trying to help me were merely trying to use me to help themselves
I learned independence
And with that independence came consequences
The culture you come from isn’t always ready for a woman who defies its traditions
Not all men can handle a woman who knows exactly what she wants and puts her needs above
romance
But when you seek your inner peace
None of that matters
Because you know that even if everything falls apart around you
You have a solid foundation that no one can touch, inside
There is nothing more liberating
Than aligning your life with your joy
Whatever that entails
I am as free as a bird
As light as a feather
As grounded as a tree
As luminous as the light no one lit for me at the end of the tunnel
And that’s precisely why no one can ever take it from me