Every night you count the days alone, sleeping with only pillows to cuddle, preparing and enjoying single hot coffee in the morning, laughing by yourself as you watch your favorite TV show, sitting on a park’s bench and watch other people pass by, always thinking how long will you wait to share all the lasting moments of your youthful years with your future significant other.
You feel the cold blanket of silence during days you need someone to comfort you, during bad times and failures, you seek love –the specific love you only look for. You are so desperate and take pity on yourself on how much of a loser you can be during gatherings and reunions with your friends or relatives. You take that kind of moment during these events alone, probably smoking at the parking lot of a resto or just staring at yourself in the mirror for minutes in the loo. You tend to avoid questions pertaining to your plans with someone who they all know never exists.
You may forget the number of times you told yourself that “she will be the one,” yet that person will just stay for a while and you will learn again to move on. Tiring, isn’t it?
But if you see it as a sacrifice or a step closer to become a person that suits who you look for maybe it is worth trying to date someone again. Yeah, I get it. It sucks to be left alone for a few times or so, being disliked by that person once saw you as a magic in their life, or be that someone who they know has the same soul as theirs but refused to take chances. You start to ask yourself, how much longer will you bear this kind of hell? You also start to notice your white beard and wrinkles near your eyes and feeling doomed thinking you are now getting uglier just to pay bills and trying not to die from hunger. You feel lost and miserable and no one bats an eye to someone who feels what you feel. You turn nihilistic, or cynical, or stoic.
But no need to rush, dear.
You doubt yourself on how great you were during college days, how cool and smart you were, admired by most people of your age but only for a short period of time.
Stop asking yourself if you are good enough, son. You are the best and only those with souls as old as yours can see and appreciate what you have become as a person.
You did great on achieving something people failed to. Good job on obtaining those you possess. Congratulations for developing your talents and skills which cannot be bought. You are one of a kind who is worth keeping.
Remember that you are not getting older –you are getting wiser. I remember one time an old Brit man who was sitting next to me confessed on how he broke his marriage on Christmas day. He even told it with a smile on his face and a little laugh out from his heart. He said he spent the day in a pub, maybe drank a pint or two, slept in a friend’s house borrowing a child’s room for a night. I saw in his eyes how content, happy and proud he was in making that decision.
Maybe we can’t offer our youth to someone we wish to, maybe we can’t collect photographs and memories with a significant one, but we can learn more on how to be ready for the right person who we will meet in the exact place and time –possibly not in our 20s.