If I Die Tonight

I’ve always been fascinated with death and the mystery behind it.

Sometimes I feel it pulling me in, ready for me to explore all its wonders.

Sometimes I fear it’s eternal burning or nothing at all aside from laying in the ground asleep forever.

Sometimes in the still of the night I hear it calling my name, ready to take me in with open arms.

How could something that sounds so wonderful at a time like this, be so hurtful next week?

I wish to come face to face with death. For it to engulf me into its peaceful arms.

But I am scared of them not being warm or peaceful.

I am scared of missing out on the peace that comes with being chest to chest with a lover on a warm summer’s eve.

Nor do I wish to miss the friends I’ve yet to meet who will change my life forever for the better.

If I die tonight, I might never know what becomes of me. How will I ever win a Pulitzer Prize or a Nobel Peace Prize when I’m engulfed into the uncertain arms of death?

For dying tonight would mean never stepping foot in my own Country again, or getting the chance to bring children into this world who just might change this world.

If I die tonight, I will never see my friends get married and bloom into the successful individuals they were born to be.

If I die tonight I will never see if it gets better.

So therefore I will hold on for another night. Even though I am tired and weary and want final rest.

Even though the thought of another tomorrow keeps me awake tonight and the desire to do the things I love have been stripped from me for what feels like forever.

But I’ve been told this feeling doesn’t last forever. For when you are young, everything hurts all at once and every good and bad thing feels final.

But I just have to remember feelings come and go like waves. And on this night when the tide is high and I just want it to carry me away, I must stay and I must fight.

It will be painful, it will be brutal, it will hurt.

I will scream until my voice breaks on the highest mountain tops and still no one will hear me.

I will cry until my body shakes and I can no longer feel it and there will be no one there to hold me.

On these nights, I must fight against every natural urge my body is giving me to run into the arms of death too soon.

For if I die tonight, I’ll never find out how I made it out alright. TC mark

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The Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling is my favorite book Follow Ellie-Kate on Instagram or read more articles from Ellie-Kate on Thought Catalog.