I’m a hot mess. I fully understand that this is what people call “being in your twenties” but I thought that since I have a paper from school that says I can read good, I should be able to avoid the hot messery. No dice! Still quite warmly disheveled. I don’t know how to be a human.
I think I might have figured out a cure, though.
It’s called Pinterest!
It is scientifically proven that if you make your own bookshelf out of a ladder you found on the street, you will never die. The reaper will never take your soul because he will want you here on earth, watering the one plant you haven’t killed on your windowsill.
I don’t comprehend the difference between a white wine glass and a red wine glass and either way I fill them both to the tippity top with Angry Orchard cider. I put ice in my pinot noir! I scarf down Wheat Thins with Babybel cheese! I’m on my dad’s health insurance!
But that’s okay, because I own a hot glue gun. And it is mine.
Look at this:
This vase went from a simple glass vase to one with gold stripes, and now I won’t struggle with fertility issues in my late 30s as a result of delaying childbearing as an attempt to advance as much as I can in my career while I’m still young. Don’t forget to apply the tape first!
Now look at this:
With enough craftiness, I can too make these plates that will remind me to live, laugh, and love when all my life makes me want to do is die, cry, and lock myself in the bathroom to make hate-filled poops. It’s foolproof.
That’s how you Pinterest yourself to a better life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go spraypaint a piece of lace over a wooden board so that my boyfriend doesn’t leave me.