Moving on from you hurt like hell.
I hadn’t even known you for that long. In the space of a month of online conversations, you had become heaven and earth to me. All I wanted was your attention. You were the person I wanted to wake up to and fall asleep with. I sent you a message the moment I woke up and my heart skipped a beat when you replied.
You were truly the first person I had ever felt that way about.
The first time we met in person, after a hellish train journey, it felt like I had known you all my life. That charm, that spark, that drew me to you from that first message, was even clearer in real life. We walked back to yours and spent the day together. I remember the two of us laying on your bed and you looked me in the eye and said, ‘What are you doing to me?’ before you kissed me. My first kiss. From that moment you had my heart completely. I wish it had been more difficult to fall in love with you, knowing what I know now.
I guess you could say that that marked the beginning of the end. The first good day was ironically one of the last. After I gave you everything that was important to me, that’s when you told me; you couldn’t have a relationship with me because of the distance. You let me meet you, envision a future…hell, you even asked me how long I would be willing to wait before announcing our relationship.
How could you have done that to me? That’s one part I still can’t forgive you for.
I was stupid. I was so convinced that I could change your mind. If I showed that I was willing to make the sacrifices- travel to see you whenever I could- maybe you would choose me.
As I said, I was so incredibly stupid.
I spent as much time as I could with you before I left for the States for 3 weeks. We’d arrange a day and the night before, at about 11 pm, you’d cancel. You’d never give a reason, just ‘I’m busy’. I went along with everything you said because I wanted you to feel like I did. You had moments when you were incredibly sweet and made me feel like I was worth something. Then you’d act so cold with me and it crushed me. It devastated me. I should never have let it have that effect on me but you were my first. The first man who made me feel like I was beautiful, like someone might want to be with me.
When I went to the States, I remember you warning me off. Telling me that you ‘would be thinking of other girls while you were fucking me’, that monogamy was never going to be for you. Huh, what bullshit that turned out to be. You were dating three girls. One of them lived in Richmond, the same distance away as me. It just made me feel like everything you said was total bullshit; it wasn’t that you didn’t want a relationship, you just didn’t want one with me. The amount of money and time I invested in you. I still feel slightly used.
I saw you two times after I came home. It was always one rule for you and another for me. You could fuck any girl you saw but you wanted nothing to do with me if I went out with another man. It made me insanely jealous, which is what you got off on.
Then you got a girlfriend and I met my boyfriend. I lost you from the moment we met in person. It took me so long to accept that any relationship was a lost cause. Moving on from you was difficult because as much I hated how you treated me, you were my best friend. You were everything to me.
Now, you’re not. I have moved on.
I am in a relationship with a man who is perfect in every single way to me. He loves me and would never hurt me like you did.