Tattoos are not just for hippies anymore. The popularity of permanent body art is on the rise, and our staff has all of the answers you need regarding who might allegedly have had or sort of has ink and who might not really have the political gonads for such a venture. The following is an exclusive guide to alleged Democrat and Republican artwork, pieced together exclusively for inquisitive readers.
1. Set of Jail Bars — Rod Blagojevich (D)
Blago received this tattoo in 2011 after he was sentenced to 14 years in federal prison. He thought that inking bars onto his rear might make him appear to be more of a “badass,” therefore warding off unwelcome contact for the duration of his incarceration. The artwork he chose is intended to grow into some sort of artistic “buttpiece” detailing the hardships of maintaining his coiffure while detained. He jokingly claims that his tattoo gives new meaning to the phrase “behind bars.”
2. Starship Enterprise — George W. Bush (R)
When asked by reporters at a press conference about the reasons behind the Former President’s new addition to his backside, Bush replied “Do I really need an explanation for everything I do?” Those present at the conference claimed to have no further questions about Bush’s new ink and generally agreed with his statement.
3. Shag Carpeting — John Edwards (D)
Edwards reportedly harbors an affinity for double entendre and chose the image of shag carpeting for his backside in 2006 in order to impress his mistress, Rielle Hunter. When leaked images of his butt artwork made their appearance on the internet in 2008, Edwards allegedly used campaign funds to remove the photos and accordingly conceal his extramarital affair with Hunter. He had to explain his embarr-ass-ing situation before a judge, and the lucky jury was presented photos of Edwards’s buttocks as Exhibit A. One juror allegedly said that the verdict of “not guilty” was given because “that elegant butt would not fare well in prison.”
4. Leaves — Mitt Romney (R)
The most vanilla of all political butt tattoos, Romney sports fall foliage on his left cheek. He claims that the leaves he engraved into his posterior in 2000 serve as a reminder of his dedication to the graduate work he completed in New England. The tattoo might also be used as a political device, as Romney allegedly was inked in order to appeal to a contingent of alternative-looking voters. This action is in line with his campaign strategy of becoming anything anyone could possibly want as long as they vote for him.
5. Red Barn — Mike Huckabee (R)
The image of a red barn on Huckabee’s backside is one of his childhood in Hope, Arkansas. As he repeated at virtually every debate during his 2008 presidential campaign, Huckabee is the son of a hard-working family in a tiny, barn-laden town typical of the common American. The building inked on his buttocks is also secretly designed to bring him closer to his Christian faith: if a viewer were to peer closely at Huckabee’s bottom, a tiny baby Jesus can be seen through the window of the barn holding an “Overturn Roe vs. Wade” sign.
6. Rather Large Man, Captioned “Joseph” — Mark Foley (R)
Former House member Foley received his tattoo in 2006 after being ousted from his seat due to lewd texts sent to male Congressional pages. With his sexuality exposed to the general public and no sexy male interns to inappropriately proposition for photos, Foley turned to tattooing to fulfill his devious desires. His right cheek bears the image of a rather large young man named Joseph wearing the uniform of a Congressional page. Foley can check out Joseph in the mirror anytime he needs a fix, guilt-free.
7. Envelope — Rick Perry (R)
Perry explains his peculiar butt tattoo depicting a used self-addressed mailing envelope very simply: “I was drunk.”
8. “Why”- Al Gore (D)
Al Gore decided to get his tattoo on a whim in 2001 after the inauguration of George W. Bush. Gore, astonished and bitter about Bush’s narrow victory in Florida, currently has the word “Why” appearing on posterior. The tattoo may now have taken on a different meaning, as Gore allegedly takes pictures of his ink and mails them anonymously to major opponents of any type of environmental legislation.
9. Robot Penguins — Michelle Bachmann (R)
When anyone asks Tea Party supporter Michelle Bachmann about her intricate tattoo depicting two mechanical penguins (one on each buttock), she simply flashes them with her iconic crazy eyes. The interviewer typically shrinks away under her crazed gaze and sprints quickly in the opposite direction. The truth behind Bachmann’s rear may never be revealed.
10. “Caught in a Bad Romance” — Larry Craig (R)
Larry Craig’s 2007 solicitation-of-sex-in-an-airport-bathroom incident allegedly left him feeling defensive and bitter toward the scandal, claiming that his natural “wide stance” caused him to tap an undercover police officer with his foot. Craig accordingly resigned from his Senate position and found a personal identity in the lyrics of Lady Gaga’s 2009 hit, “Bad Romance.” The words “Caught in a Bad Romance” appear on his lower backside in an effort to raise awareness for all wide-stancers across the nation.
11. “CHA”- Barack Obama (D)
President Barack Obama reportedly was halfway through getting a tattoo of his famous slogan from the 2008 presidential campaign, “Change,” when he shrieked in pain, stopping the tattoo artist. Remarking that Obama had only three small letters on his rear end, the artist allegedly raised his eyebrows at the President and said, “So… then what?” Obama promptly pulled up his trousers and ran out of the tattoo parlor to chorus calls of “wimp” and “pansy.” Presently, Obama’s half-formed tattoo is becoming a mantra (and internet meme) of his presidency as his supporters acknowledge his continual crumbling to the Republican Congress.