When someone doesn’t want you, in the beginning, it will be hard. Sometimes, very hard. You will think there is something wrong with you, something so undesirable and unlovable that definitely needs to be fixed and changed. You will try to recall every tiny detail of what happened, examining like it’s a case file and you’re the lead detective just so you could pinpoint a reason why life didn’t go the way you wanted. But there is never a satisfying answer because even if it was the answer given by that person — most likely one to gently let you down, your bruised ego would refuse to believe it anyway.
That’s how endless questions won’t stop circling in your head and soon you will start to believe you are not good enough, or worse, happiness isn’t what you deserve. Once self-doubt and cruel thoughts start creeping in, you will be forced to face all your insecurities and be reminded of all the times you were left behind and not chosen. Even the wounds that you were certain had been healed seem to be torn apart and cut wide open again. You will feel small and insignificant but all at the same time unbearably heavy.
Luckily, over time, it will get better. You might never fully forget but your pain will be relieved and you will eventually stop thinking about them every waking second. You will come to terms with the fact that they are not here with you and life goes on whether you want it to or not. But unfortunately, it doesn’t mean you will stop questioning and hating yourself for all what happened, for everything that could have been. It’s like you were shot but the bullet has never been removed so it keeps aching from the inside.
As memories take you right back to where you were, you will wish for the millionth time that you could be someone else — someone prettier, smarter, cooler. Then perhaps you wouldn’t have to hear the dreadful “but” after “I think you are a very great person.” Perhaps things would have turned out differently. Perhaps you would have known what it is like to be on their mind, to be the receiver of every “I miss you” that is meant every single word, and for once, to be the one that is wanted instead of getting so close to the desire of your heart but never being able to have it.
Be prepared because the flood of sentiments will not hit you just once. It will happen many, many times and each time it will hurt like the first as if you haven’t moved on at all. Maybe you really haven’t, especially if after all this time you still don’t understand why it cannot be you, beating yourself up over the ending you somehow messed up. You will ask yourself all over again what it is that you’re lacking and what it is that you need to have to be deserving of their love. You will see flaws and imperfections in every reflection of yourself and never truly feel complete.
But please listen to me. This is important. What you fail to see and need to know now to set your heart free is that you have been asking all the wrong questions and to the questions you can’t stop asking, the answers have always been right in front of your eyes: That person doesn’t want to be with you. They are not here with you. They have made a conscious choice for their own sake to be where they are now. It happens. Simple as that. You don’t need to have the reasons why.
And seriously, what’s good in knowing?
The truth is, when someone doesn’t want you, no reason matters. No amount of fixing could change that and actually, there isn’t anything that needs to be fixed because nothing was wrong or missing in the first place. You have always been wholly you, before or after them, including all the flaws and imperfections that make you unique. So if you ever feel the need to redeem or validate yourself after being rejected, please don’t because no one can take anything away from you by not wanting you and you aren’t born to prove yourself to anyone.
It might be hard to fathom all this when you have invested so much energy and time into this said person and are clouded by the pain from their rejection but if you put things into perspective, if you look back at all the times you say no to the people who want you but for some reason are just not quite right, you will be able to make sense of your own situation and stop blaming yourself so much. You will find it easier to accept that not everyone chooses you and it’s okay because you respect and love yourself enough to let go of the past and keep going to those who want you the same way and love you for all what you are.
With all that being said, if you don’t feel whole by yourself, if you believe you need to be filled, if you haven’t quite known who you are and learned to love yourself yet, having someone’s interest is never the solution. It’s not going to magically make all that happen. In fact, nothing could, except you. You have the power to take yourself to a place of peace and acceptance. You have the choice to be kinder to yourself each day. You are capable of making decisions that add positivity to your life and shape you into a better person.
When someone doesn’t want you, one day you will be thankful for their honesty and decision because they have let you go on to find yourself and the happiness you deserve. Such happiness will not only help you realize how strong and brave you have been but it also shows you exactly why things didn’t work out with anyone before.
This post also appeared on The Tingly Mind.