The Real Reason You Struggle With Love

Amy Gee
Amy Gee

Like any other areas of life, in order to solve the problem, we need to understand the causes. While it could be that there are fundamental aspects that you should improve as an individual, most of the time the issue lies at your mindset and approach to dating. This is especially applicable to cases where people are completely desirable on paper yet find themselves again and again struggling with dating, leading to frustration and self-doubt.

You don’t know what you want 

Admit it — you don’t really know what you’re looking for. You don’t know if you’re okay with casual dating or you actually want a serious boyfriend and eventually a husband. You get involved with people without being clear about your desires and expectations, letting them dictate the situation while compromising your needs and wants.
You say things like “I’m chill”, “I’m open to anything”, “I like to go with the flow” only to end up wanting more and not getting anything back. Or you state on your dating profile that you look for a serious relationship, yet you get drunk and have sex with someone before you even remember their name.
While there might be exceptions, this is not going to work out well most of the times. We can’t keep doing one thing and expect the result to be different. So, be real to yourself about what you want, what works for you and what doesn’t. Figure it all out and you will find the people who are able to give you exactly what you look for.

You place your values at the wrong things

You meet a new person and you think they’re not right for you because they haven’t watched Game of Thrones, or doesn’t like Lana Del Rey. Or you don’t even give someone a chance because they never text with emojis and therefore seem boring. Yet you say yes to someone who is going to move away in 3 months or doesn’t want kids while your dream is to become a parent.
This is exactly how you miss out on many great people who could turn out to be very compatible with you on deep levels while you stick around with those who don’t get you at all, thinking there’s something wrong with you. You basically set yourself up for failure since the beginning with this approach.
The thing is, interest or hobbies can change while a person’s set of values and life goals generally don’t. If you’re looking for something serious, you should stop making decisions based on superficial things and start looking at fundamental factors such as their core values, views on commitments, life priorities, future plans, etc. and give yourself time to have a good view of the person before jumping at any hasty conclusion.
However, don’t force it if you genuinely don’t feel it.

You take rejections too personal

Rejections suck — it’s a universal truth. It sucks even more when it comes to dating. No one wants to hear those dreadful words “You seem like a nice person but” or “I like you but”. Too many of these could totally make you want to give up on your entire love life. Though, you might have looked at it the wrong way.
Rejections in love do not necessarily reflect who you are as an individual but more often than not it reflects what is between you and the person who rejects you. It means you guys are not compatible as a couple/partners, not that there’s anything wrong with any of you individually. You’re still fine as the person you are.
Also, since you possibly don’t know what you want and/or place your values in the wrong things, chances are that you like those people who reject you for the wrong reasons and it’s actually a good thing they realize it and let you go instead of stringing you along.
You should look at dating as finding out who’s right for you instead of trying to prove yourself and competing for someone’s affection. If someone doesn’t want you and stay with you, they’re definitely not right for you and you should be more than happy to show them the door.

You rush the getting-to-know-each-other process

Love takes time and relationships take work. If what you’re looking for is a night of good fun, then by all means go ahead and forget about getting to know each other. But if you want something solid, you can’t rush it since feelings and commitments cannot be forced.
It’s the shame how people ruin an otherwise great relationship by being impatient for a label or those L words especially when it’s only been barely a few months. Or they fall in love way too fast at the illusion of someone they actually don’t know then get shattered when their proclaimed love is not reciprocated.
We humans are all complicated. It does take lots of interactions and quality time spent to learn about someone properly and decide whether they are truly right for you in the long-term or not. So don’t rush it. Relax and enjoy the good time.

You think love needs a happy ending to be worth it.

If you’re lucky, you will meet someone amazing and be with them for the rest of your life. If you’re like most people out there, you will meet someone amazing and then you part ways for whatever reason. It might be painful and disheartening; however, it doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your time, or necessarily lost anything.
In fact, you’ve gained. You’ve learned so much more about yourself and you’ve experienced many wonderful feelings. You’ve grown as an individual and you now know how strong you actually are to get through all that and still stand firm on the ground. It’s all worth it because it makes you who you are today. So don’t give it up. Be brave and dive in.
If you can identify with these issues, I hope now you know exactly how to adjust your mindset and approach in order to have a successful love life. Keep a positive outlook and allow yourself to make mistakes along the way — I’m sure you will be just fine. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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