I will tell you a story.
There is this girl who went through a break up recently and like any other young, dumb adult kid, she sought comfort from a rebound. It makes sense though; they say nothing gets you over someone faster than getting under someone new — preferably hotter.
But you could end up hurting both yourself and this new person by being emotionally unavailable while not dealing with your own pain properly. In that case, people would tell you to take time, focus on yourself and find who you are again, which I agree is healthy and sustainable.
This girl didn’t choose that way. She stuck to her rebound man. And I respect her decision. Hypothetically, just because it doesn’t work for many people, it doesn’t mean it won’t work for her. The problem is that, she’s a very emotional person who is relationship-oriented.
She romanticized her relationship so much that now, when he turned out to not reciprocate her feelings and refuse to commit, it’s hard for her to walk away from it like it was nothing since her mind had registered it as significant through her romanticizing.
She was struggling, especially when she used to over-share the details of her relationship to her circle of girlfriends and now had to be reminded of him and his goodness all over again by these people. Moreover, it isn’t easy for her to change her own narrative of what happened from believing he’s the one to realizing he’s not at all serious about her, yet it’s the only way she could find closure and reduce the emotional weight of it.
Anyway, after some time, she seemed to be doing well. She thought she was finally over him until she proceeded to sleep with her rebound man and subsequently broke down into tears as her mind was brought right back to her ex. She felt empty and disgusted at herself.
What can we learn from this kind of situation?
1. Never romanticize your experiences. Romanticizing (and subsequently over-sharing) creates unnecessary pressure and makes the relationship a bigger deal than it actually is. Then shit gets real and it hurts 10 times more. So next time, see the person/relationship for what it is and enjoy the pure joy of having someone’s company. They might turn out to be shit but at least the good time shared was well-spent. If they don’t turn out to be shit, then continue to have low expectations and take it one day at a time.
A note for women is that, men are better at living in the moments than women. Some behaviours might mean something significant to the woman but mean completely different things to the man, which most of the time is pure momentary affection without any deep meaning or serious intention behind it. So, If you’re a woman, you need to know exactly what you’re getting yourself into and stay on the same page with the man.
2. Rebound is generally a bad idea and isn’t fair to anyone. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship with someone who’s fully there for them, not just physically. So are you and that person you plan to be on the rebound with. Practically, a rebound situation won’t solve your emotional problems caused by your last relationship — If anything, it will only add extra ones like any relationship could go wrong. Plus, you will probably end up feeling like a shitty person for using someone sincere to you. Worst case scenario: you might actually be taken advantage of and feel used, or you fall for this new person and they only think of you as a convenient fuck buddy.
3. Having sex not for the sake of a good time is a waste of time. Having sex with someone while thinking of someone else, or using sex merely as a distraction is pathetic. Sex is meant to be positive, enjoyable and pleasurable, not used to run away from your emotional issues, or in some cases, even to seek validations, please someone or try to make them commit to you. It just doesn’t work.
If you’re lucky enough to get laid, then do it properly, with respect and protection, and make sure you’ve served each other fair and square, both emotionally and sexually. And thus when you are done, it’s not the mindset of one fucking the other, or giving up something precious; it’s two people consciously taking pleasure and having a good time regardless of how the arrangement might end — no regrets needed (Unless you have sex to conceive, then it’s another story…)
4. Although you might be motivated to do risky things that would bring instant gratifications when going through a break up, no person is worth causing damage to yourself for. You don’t suddenly say yes to a keen person you’ve never been attracted to before because you want to forget the ex. You don’t have a bunch of one-night stands because it would keep your mind busy from thinking about the ex. You don’t just take up smoking or drink like an alcoholic because substances make you high enough to not realize you’re hurting. That’s just dumb.
If you want to do something, do it for the right reason. You say yes to a person because you want them; you have one-night stands because you want sex and you’re well prepared for it; you smoke or drink because it makes you feel good, or whatever. The point is, being heartbroken isn’t an excuse to be stupid, unless you’re really stupid then I’m very sorry. But if you’re smart enough, you know you need to handle your emotional problems like an adult, which means being done with it as soon as possible and make decisions for your own good at all time.
The bottom line is, if you don’t think for yourself and make choices that benefit you, no one will or can for you. Well, to be fair, maybe your family and close friends will to some extent, but certainly not the person who left you and gave no fuck about you. And if you ever need a closure, look around, where are they? Yes, they made a conscious choice to walk away and let you go. They don’t want you enough to stay, or to fight for you. That’s it. What else do you need? Now, please wake up and live wise.