If you have a perfectly normal, even great life, yet still feel hard, insecure, anxious most of the time because you keep hearing this voice that urges you to look better, to dress prettier, to possess more and more stuff and if you don’t do, you’re no good, not enough, have no chance in life. And when you look into the mirror every day, you always see something wrong with your body, your face, your hair. You always feel the need to prove yourself to someone you honestly don’t even know who.
Then trust me, you’re definitely not alone. You’re just one of the many, many people living in this modern culture bullshit.
You and your inner voice is one thing but then there is this whole culture that constantly tells you who you are supposed to be, what you are supposed to do, how to be better, happier because who you are now is somehow just not that great.
This culture will teach you that being liked and loved needs certain terms and conditions not only via the people you meet in real life, who would regard or disregard you based on your look, your possessions, your “coolness” whatever the hell that means, intentionally or not, but also from every corner of the virtual world, the media, from all the carefully selected photos showing off a perfect life conditioning you to feel inferior, from all kinds of comment sections, magazine articles, advertisements that would instantly point out something wrong with you and throw their words around like you don’t have a feeling at all.
No, they won’t say it straight to your face. We all know discrimination is wrong, vanity is ugly. So they will do it subtly in how they respond to you, how they look at you, how they almost never pay attention to you or what you say, online, in real life, at school, across the dinner table on a date. They will send you all the mixed messages, make you question and question, then believe that this world is going the right way, it’s just you who is wrong.
Then there are people who will tell you repeatedly that self-acceptance is the most important thing in life, that you are great, you should stay the same. Meanwhile they go find a way to fix themselves, make a living out of their airbrushed appearance while being cheered on by thousands, millions of other people asking them about their beauty secrets. And it works flawlessly.
Seriously, what messages are we trying to send out? Are we really doing what we proclaim about loving ourselves, accepting others or are we all hypocrites for our own benefits? Are we truly treating each other fairly, equally or are we scrutinizing, discriminating each other?
It’s easy to talk all the blah blah I love myself, I put on make up or do plastic surgeries because I want to, it’s all for myself not because of anyone talks, making it seem like you have mastered the art of not giving a fuck but are you really living, breathing your beliefs despite all else? Because when it comes to real life and real people, how this world has already been shaped in a certain way for years and years by commercialism and the ambassadors of this culture are indeed our friends, our classmates, our bosses, our role models or even sometimes ourselves being brainwashed without our notice, it gets real tough.
I don’t know, maybe it’s just me but either way, I’ve had enough of this bullshit. I’m done with listening everywhere how we are supposed to love ourselves, to think we are enough then when we wake up in the morning, we still feel the need to put on layers and layers, to Instagram every meal we have, to Snapchat every fun thing to do, to be on trend, to attach our identity to a style, a clothing item, our appearance.
We are still afraid of being unloved by saying the wrong things, by having a less than perfect body even though that perfect is just another image, a trend, a type promoted by mass media or defined by someone else’s standard; we are still painfully insecure and constantly seek external validation from product consumption, from Facebook notifications, from Instagram likes, on and on, because out there the world is still spinning this way and as a by-product, we are imprisoned by our infected mind.
It spins the way a good look makes all the differences; how nicely people treat you when you’re touched up; how you grow up and are constantly reminded that you’re never quite right, you need to be fixed, it’s all your fault; how women are still tied to beauty as though it is a necessity to our being.
Diet, diet, diet. Buy more cosmetics. Look hotter and hotter. Then attention will come, voice will be heard, invitations will be sent. People will want to be friends with you, boys and girls will want to fuck you. They will think you are smart, you are kind, you are cool. They will be interested in your stuff because you look good but not the other way round. They will leave you questioning about who you truly are underneath all the layers because you don’t know anymore.
I say this because it comes directly from my own personal experiences. Like anybody else, I have a back story. I have been fighting a battle of body image, of being a girl in a conservative, money-driven society since the day I was born. It wasn’t nice and people weren’t kind. Their words fucked up my self-esteem and left me some deep-rooted insecurities that for a long while no assurance could seem to help no matter how much I have changed, have been acknowledged.
Till this point, through years and years of struggles, I have figured out it would never work especially if I keep seeking the wrong types of people, engaging in the wrong sources of information, telling myself one thing and practising another. Life would not change unless I start doing something different now in my daily life, bravely, committedly, removing myself from all waves of social pressure.
I will do it. I want to be real and liberated and I will do it. I want to stop feeling trapped by all this bullshit, by my urge to consume and possess, to enhance whatever it is about me, to be accepted and loved by mere strangers. I don’t want to have anything to do with this anymore — this fucked up culture of who’s-better-than-who, of oversharing, of FOMO, of instant judgement, of discrimination, of everything-is-not-enough.
How different are the people who take no part in this bullshit? Well, they don’t judge you based on how well you dress; don’t have their well-being monitored by the numbers of likes and followers; don’t attach their worth to their face, their body or people’s opinions of them accordingly. They don’t live their life through the screen, but they are present for real people and real things. They genuinely care about who you are, what you do, human to human, not an image, an idea or with any condition. There is authenticity in their way of living that is beautiful, wonderful and inspirational.
This will be the revolution of my life. I will be brave today by living authentically, by doing whatever I feel like, by being me. Like, whatever, just me, just this person who’s writing this right now, right here, looking all horrible in her pyjamas, with messy hair and belly fat because I’ve just eaten dinner at 10 P.M. but whatever.
I will commit to being honest, being respectful of people’s choices of lifestyles, being accepting of myself and others even if it means not being liked or treated nicely by certain people — I don’t need it from them anyway. I will do whatever it is because it makes me feel good, because it’s a form of self-expression — fuck judgements and approvals. And fuck the stuck up people who judge, discriminate and intentionally put people down. I will do this whole mindset changing even if it takes time, patience and hard work. I mean it.
The last thing I want to say is that, yeah, fuck this shit, I’m out.