Having crushes is fun. Having a crush on you must be even better. I could imagine butterflies whenever our eyes meet, cheeks blushing and heart racing just because I see you heading my way. Imagine all the sleepless nights I would spend thinking about you, your hair, your cute smile and how perfect you look wearing that grey fluffy jumper.
Imagine all the cheesy love songs that would remind me of you, of us. All the internal screaming when you call my name and greet me with your sweet hello. And all the little heart-melting gestures you make, like playing with my hair, lending me your jacket, even though you have no idea how much they could mean to me.
But having a crush on you would also mean replaying every conversation we had, irrationally running over every minute we spent because I’m constantly worried of saying the wrong things and subsequently turning you off. And that’s how I become unbelievably self-conscious over the way I speak, I dress, every tiny thing I do, even my Facebook profile picture, my Instagram caption, my latest tweet because I don’t want you to think I’m uncool, unfunny and average.
Crushing on you means keeping a safe distance from you for fear of being rejected and because everything about you always feels unbearably too much. And thus, going through all your online information becomes the main way of knowing you, and gaining your attention and approval immediately turns into my number one priority as though they are my oxygen and you’re my saviour.
Since I’m convinced that your interest in me is how my self-worth is measured, an unanswered message could leave me extremely vulnerable and insecure, and a careless act could seriously hurt my self-esteem. I would think something is wrong, not good enough about me. I would want to change myself to be more likeable while expecting you to remain the perfect person I think you are.
And that’s exactly why I don’t want to have a crush on you and will never have a crush on you. I don’t want to fall for the idea of you, of the person you could be, of what you are like on the surface. I don’t want to put you on a pedestal and blind myself from seeing the real you because it would stop me from being the real me as well. It’s not fun and fair to either of us. It’s like giving someone unjustified power over me. It’s fictional feelings. It’s failing to ask myself what I really want, really need from a person, you.
I know you’re not perfect and I don’t need you to be perfect. I want you to be you and I want to be able to appreciate you for that — all the quirks and flaws that make you the person you authentically are, not my projection of you. It’s the same for me. I want to be liked for the person I’m and keep up my own standards.
Therefore I will say what I feel right to say and do what I must, regardless of what you might think and judge as my world will not just spin in reverse for anybody — Well, unless I myself want it to. At the end of the day, all what I ask for is simply to have us sit down face to face like two adults so that we could get to know each other on equal terms and ultimately decide whether or not we’re right for each other.
Hey, how about we go on a date and see where this goes? That would be fun, don’t you think?