We all have problems. We are all damaged one way or the other. Deep down inside. So are you. The part that you have long hidden away, that you have never dared to let anyone in. Maybe you are too used to this. Maybe it’s comfortable and safe this way. Or maybe you are scared… even when you meet someone and for some reason this person brings out something you like in yourself and makes you want to trust them. But, guess what, you are scared. It’s comfortable and safe this way. You are too used to this. So, you don’t know how to act. You behave like it’s okay, you’re fine, this is what you do, because you think you should. Everyone likes that. You, be that cool, casual girl that doesn’t ask for anything.
This is how it goes: You meet each other. You have a good time. Somewhere between the hugs, the kisses, the sex, they tell you that they like things as they are. Casual. That’s the word. You think, oh, that’s cool. You can do casual. You’re not like those girls that get attached after sex. You’re different. You’re cool. Or at least you believe so. Even when you realize it actually feels nice being with them, that you start to miss their smile, their voice, that you think of them more frequently than you should, and that you are affected when they mention someone else.
No. You have to be cool. You will smile when they tell you about other girls. You will throw some names into the conversation to let them know that you are cool with all that and it doesn’t hurt at all when they want you to leave as soon as you wake up because it’s how casual works. You don’t care. You don’t need to care about each other. You don’t do phone calls at 3 o’clock in the morning just because you want to hear the other person’s voice. You don’t show up just because being with them makes you feel better. You need a reason. A specific one. Some company, someone to talk to when bored, sex. Whatever it is. There is a purpose, a trade. And it needs to be convenient.
It’s all so easy to understand. We are selfish, we all want to get what we want, we want it easy. So, we treat each other like business. We want to make sure that things are still okay so we could come back to get more of whatever we want from each other. Not because we care. You won’t care because you don’t want to be deemed as clingy, as needy, as crazy, as all too much. Who talks about feelings nowadays, anyway?
All the kisses, the touches, the phone calls, the text messages. All the weekends that are spent doing nothing and just about everything. All the late nights that are no longer lonely. The stolen sweatshirt. The extra toothbrush. The gazes that give you butterfly in your stomach. Saying I miss you and totally mean it. Things like that — they are unattainable. Not now. Not when you pretend to be this cool, casual girl that doesn’t want anything. Not when you conceal how you truly feel. Not when you no longer dare to pick up the phone and call the person at 3 o’clock. Not when casual is easy and convenient. Not when more than casual is how you lose them.
So you go home and tell yourself that, it is okay, you’re fine, this is what you do. After a while, you will be convinced. You will no longer feel any different. You will be on and off for some time before you both move on mutually. Then one day, you will meet someone new. By 3 o’clock, in another bedroom you are still getting used to, you find yourself talking about the people you used to be with. Then you remember something and you would say, well, there is this person but it was just casual…