Where Do Nice Guys Go Wrong? For One, They’re Too Agreeable

I’m an active dater. I like to meet new people, go on dates and see where things go. While having my clear set of goals when it comes to my dating/ love life, it does depend on the person I meet. It means that most of the time when I’m out with a guy, I plan to have a good time. I don’t really decide what I want before I actually spend some time with the person and get to know him better. So it’s really about the person for me. With that being said, over the years, I have met a fair amount of guys who turned out to be the so-called textbook Nice Guys and as far as I remember, I have rejected them all. Yes, I did and I’m not sorry.

Before you get me all wrong, I would like to clarify and emphasize that I did not turn them down for being nice. All women want their guys to be nice to them — who doesn’t? — unless she has some conflicted emotional issues or she’s that girl who is after the emotionally unavailable jerks and when she gets hurt, she runs back to the nice guy and uses him for comfort, whining that there is no nice guy left for her but that’s not the girl you would want to invest your time in. If you’re emotionally healthy, you would want to be a woman with self-respect who can at least appreciate your niceness. Personally, I can be sure that I want a great guy who shares all the fundamental values with me including being nice and kind to each other. I don’t like games. I do look for meaningful connections. However, I turned the textbook nice guys down for a variety of reasons surprisingly that have nothing to do with them being nice but somehow have made the nice quality a turn-off.

Now, I’m always sceptical about the Nice Guy definition because I have a feeling that these guys are not at all time nice — they might even have been a jerk to some nice girls out there. I’m using this Nice Guy term just so you guys could have a general picture of what I’m talking about regardless of what Nice Guy means to you. Also, I’m aware that everyone has their preferences, viewpoints and approaches when it comes to dating and love. So, this is simply my personal observations and reasons why I’m not attracted to the Nice Guys.

1. They are indecisive.

From the beginning of the dating process, these guys almost always leave the planning to me — what to do, where to go, what to eat and the list goes on and on. For one thing, it’s not attractive. Also, it makes me doubt that I could rely on this man especially when it comes to more serious stuff considering he can’t even make a simple decision about what kind of food he would like to eat later. It gets boring and exhausting really quickly for me. While I’m perfectly capable of making decisions for myself, I would also like to know that my man could be the same and he has control over his life. Or you know, he actually has a life.

2. They are too agreeable.

These guys almost always agree with everything I say and do. They are accommodating to the point that I find them boring/annoying/ lame and even wonder to myself whether they have any ulterior motive towards me because why the hell would someone be so agreeable? It signals weaknesses in his character and might even send off the vibe of a low self-esteem and lack of control over his own life. I need a man who would challenge me, call me out on my BS and help me grow as a person, not someone who does everything to please me in hope that I will like them back.

Attraction/Love is a too way thing — if you do too much, whatever it is, for me too soon, making known that you can’t wait for me to be yours, why would I want to do anything to get you? Also, within such a short period of time, I couldn’t possibly understand your feelings for me anyway, hence I wouldn’t be able to appreciate it in the way you would like me to. I might even think that you just want anyone to be with you, which is a big turn-off.

3. They don’t know how to lead (when needed).

Now, I’m all about equality in a relationship. I don’t mean that the guy has to take charge all the time in a relationship — I could do too — but I also expect that my man is capable of leading me and our relationship when he’s needed to. I find this quality attractive and desirable. However, the nice guys would wait for me to make a decision for him and us, would sit there and expect me to do something, would have absolutely no idea what he wants and acts nothing upon it even if he knows. He would impose no frame, no control and it’s hard for me to look up to him the way I would like to look up to my man. So, naturally I couldn’t see himself as “the man” and he’s definitely not someone I would actively think about or have any desire of pursuing/ pleasing. In a sexual context, it could be pretty boring when the guy doesn’t know how to lead (but this could be just my personal preference.)

4. They don’t make me feel desired.

With all that being said, I don’t feel desired when I’m with the Nice Guy. Judging from how they act, I would think that their attention, affection for me is not something about me but more about them and probably their negative attributes. Everyone wants a bit of a challenge — they want to know that someone is with them for them and for the right reason, which these guys do not deliver. These guys might like me, want me and yes, I want to be liked and wanted but I would like to be able to feel it authentically too. Somehow I just can’t seem to find the chemistry with this type of guys.

Obviously I can’t speak for the whole female population. Perhaps it would be considerably different with different demographics, cultures and races. However, I hope this would give some insight to you guys into what might be going on in a girl/woman’s head when you act a certain way, or the Nice Guy way — intentionally or not, and more importantly, make it clear that women do not reject guys for being nice and most women are not actively, deliberately looking for jerks.

After all, humans are weird and complicated. To like someone or to not like someone, sometimes there might not need to be a reason at all. We just have to keep going out there and see it for ourselves, right? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

I help people understand themselves better and create a life they love

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