After much laughter at stupid things men post to Tinder and Match in their initial contact with prospective matches, I felt the need to share some helpful tips on how to make a woman love your dick as much as you do.
1. Don’t ask a woman if she wants to see your dick. Really? I bet it is beautiful, yet, sending pictures, and I know you love pictures, won’t get you anything but rejection, scorn, and probably a post on a stupid things men post website.
2. Don’t ask a woman if they want to have sex with you. Stop, now. If a woman wants to have sex with you, you’ll know. You asking is a HUGE turn off. Dropping subtle hints, which usually aren’t subtle at all, doesn’t work either. And I’m pretty sure you may be dancing the line of sexual harassment.
3. Don’t ask a woman if she wants to sit on your face. Yup, I get you are offering up oral sex in the hopes she will do the same, but don’t. I’m not really sure how the mental image of me hovering over my Dickie’s face is even enjoyable. Are you saying I have to balance myself and enjoy what’s being done to me…sounds like too much work.
4. Don’t ask a woman what her favorite position is. How do you know she even knows? Her favorite position could be on her back with her favorite toy and that’s the only experience she has. If you really want to know if a woman wants to have sex with you, then you should really get to know the woman first.
5. Don’t talk about the other women you’ve had sex with, even if they are make believe. While boasting what you’ve done with women is unacceptable and crude in a locker room, it’s a total turn off to the woman you are currently with. I don’t want to know how you made another woman scream. Unless you are a serial killer, it doesn’t apply to what you can do for me.
6. Don’t boast about how good you are in bed. Just don’t. That plays into #5. A man once told me he had been trained in the arts of cunnilingus by two lesbians. So, to put that in terms I understand, two woman, who don’t like men, taught you how to eat pussy? Um, yeah, I believe you buddy. The certificate of Cunnilingus Master, hanging on your wall, is unimpressive.
7. Don’t watch porn for tips on how to be a good lover. There are no good tips in porn, unless the person you are having sex with is in the video and describing what she likes and what makes her cum. Every woman is different. Hell, even our vaginas are different. What turns me on, won’t turn on the woman beside me. We are all different. That’s why the fact you see what others do, doesn’t translate into pleasing someone else.
8. Don’t expect sex. There is nothing more frustrating than expecting sex and not getting it. This goes for men and women. Yes, we get frustrated. Yes, we need to have sex. But, no, don’t expect it from us. Don’t expect us to drop our panties and be wet just at the sight of you. There is a scene in the classic movie There’s Something About Mary where Ted beats off prior to a date, to reduce his sexual frustration. Besides the fact the wad ends up on his ear, this isn’t a bad practice.
9. Don’t feel rejected if a woman doesn’t want to have sex with you. This one is hard, I get it. Your ego is attached to your little or big man. It isn’t all about your dick, not right now anyway. If you are going into a date with the final outcome being sex, you are going to be disappointed 99% of the time. Your view of the woman will change. You’ll push that rejection onto her and reject her. A whole new level of nasty appears, just because she said no. You might miss out on the best person you’ve ever met or are ever going to meet because all you thought about was sex.
10. Don’t have sex until marriage. What the fuck, you say. Hear me out. Having sex before marriage will most likely greatly reduce how much sex you have after you are married. Why? So, you have a girlfriend. You drop by to have sex. She has sex with you. And you leave. You just used her and she feels it. She didn’t even get a movie or dinner first. But wait, even with a movie and dinner first, sex after means that’s what a movie and dinner means, sex. Not that you wanted to spend time with her, only you went through some task in order to have sex with her. That will translate into all you want from her is sex. If you truly want her to love your dick, keep it in your pants until after “I do.”