It’s Saturday night and you’re going out with your girls. No one has been assigned the dreadful task of being DD because someone probably begged and bribed a sibling to drive everyone. You know what this means—everyone is blacking out. Maybe not to that extreme, but let’s be honest, it will basically be to that extreme. Your group of friends will probably have one of the following drunk girls in your group, and if not, you will see them ALL at the bar. It’s inevitable that someone you know will turn into one of these drunken creatures at some point in your life, but have no fear; the sober versions of these crazy drunk girls are (usually) great. We may complain that these girls are monsters and we will never become one of them, but let’s face it, you have become all of them. Cheers.
1.The Happy Drunk
You either love her or hate her. This girl is high on life, bopping around the bar, smiling at everyone, dishing out compliments like it’s the last thing she will ever say. She is the one that will generously offer to buy a round of shots, because why the hell not, right? She is just LOVING being drunk and loving her girls. While many people love this (usually other happy drunks), many have a typical reaction of “this girl needs to be stopped immediately.” The happy drunk is nice and will do anything to have fun, but she can also be incredibly annoying and a little too giggly. Shut up, we get it. That joke was funny—an hour and a half ago. I’m not saying I have never been this drunk girl before (give me a bottle of wine and I will compliment every last thing about you), but when you are a different type of drunk for the night and the happy girl is there, you hate her.
2.The Funny Drunk
This is my favorite drunk to meet and my favorite drunk to be. Who doesn’t like being around funny people? More importantly, who doesn’t absolutely love being told that they are funny? I don’t know about you, but being told I’m funny will make my entire week go from a 4 to a 400. Don’t confuse this girl with a FUN drunk though—many times the funny drunk isn’t even that fun. Most of the time she just posts up at the bar and shamelessly makes fun of everyone there, which makes you love her more (except the happy drunk; the happy drunk hates ridicule). Her delivery is flawless and dry, leaving you wanting more of the one liner jokes and entertaining stories of her past. She relishes in the fact that she is hilarious for the evening, and rolls with it, making the jokes that much better. Find the funny girl at the bar, you won’t regret the laughs.
3.The Sad Drunk
Everyone fucking hates this girl. I’m all about consoling a friend to make sure she is emotionally stable (usually after a fight or break up), but if you’re crying at the bar, you need to go. Once the tears start flowing, don’t expect any sympathy because now you are the girl who is hysterically crying at a bar. That’s embarrassing and you should be ashamed of yourself. Drunken cries are also not feminine in the slightest; they come out from the deepest part of your soul and you sound like a dinosaur. The only solution is to stop drinking, go home, get a tub of ice cream, and call your best friend tomorrow for some shit talking. This whole “drinking your feelings” bullshit needs to end because it never results in anything good. An old fashioned smack talking session is the only way to go. Don’t be the sad drunk, she sucks.
4. The Violent Drunk
Ah, the violent girl in the bar, you know who you are. Give this girl a bunch of shots and the next thing you know, she’s throwing the shots at the nearest dude in the bar. Right hook, upper cut, you name it. She will sloppily deliver one of these bad boys and the rest is history. I think my favorite part of the violent drunk is watching her from afar. You have no idea the context of why the hit is being thrown, but you witness it and it’s phenomenal. Better yet, go stand with the funny drunk while watching the violent drunk dish out these slaps to the boy she was trying to sweet talk for an hour (why you should ALWAYS have a funny drunk with you…always). In their minds, the violent drunks are playfully slapping the arm of a potential suitor, but in reality, they are clawing at his face and assuming he loves it. Here’s to you, violent drunk, for having zero shame.
5. The Aggressive Drunk
The night is almost over and all of your friends are coupled up with cute boys that bought them drinks all night in hopes of closing the deal. But there you are, aggressive drunk, ready to pounce, because who wants to go home lonely and boy-less? The aggressive drunk scours the premises, like a hungry animal ready to attack. Except in her mind, she is casually strolling the bar looking hot as hell, hoping that an equally lonely boy will come and sweep her off her feet. Don’t be fooled; she is actually stumbling and practically yelling “SOMEONE MAKE OUT WITH ME.” The aggressive drunk is usually blacked out, hiccupping, and attempting to wipe away the remains of her eye makeup in fear that she looks like a raccoon. She starts hitting on a guy that is already linked with a girl that is much less drunk and way more put together. While the aggressive drunk is not like this sober (we can only wish), as a blacked out creature she fears that she will be forever alone and overcompensates. Stop that, aggressive, you are better than this. Take it down a notch with the shots of anything and everything, and a cute boy will come your way (hopefully).