Sometimes, a bro just has to know when enough is enough. Now, I’ll admit that I’m not the best at outright telling people when to get the hell out of my face because I’m totally bored with them. But I am pretty good at passive aggressively not replying to texts or replying with one worders and “k’s” and “lol’s” because, hey dude, I know we had that thing that one night when you bought me some drinks and it was fun and all but I can guarantee you if I were sober I would not have given you my number. The truth is, pecks that you move willingly from time to time to show them off and that tan and your white v-neck and shouting about things like creatine and pre-workout just ain’t my cup of tea. Like, I go to one of those stylish and intellectual-y schools where guys wear blazers and loafers for fun and pastels aren’t just for Easter. If you have to think for longer than ten seconds when I ask you what was the last book you read, then we probably aren’t going to work out. So, without further ado, here is a list of things I would rather see on my phone screen than a text from you.
1. Let’s start with the obvious: a phone call from you.
Granted, I haven’t really estimated your brain power to be in the zone where you would actually pick up a phone and dial it in order to have a conversation in which you have to come up with replies right away and try to sound charismatic. I mean, maybe you’d sound like less of a douche being all, “hey babe, let’s hang out again babe,” when you don’t have to say it with your mouth. But if you did ever call me on the phone, I can guarantee you I would not answer.
2. Snapchats from that gay guy I hooked up with one time.
Like hey guy, last time I checked you aren’t really all that into this when you aren’t plastered. Yes you are damn handsome and fashionable but I’m not totally sure what you’re trying to get out of this either since I lack a very important organ that you are apparently into. And while we’re at it, stop sending me dick pics—just because nowhere in this universe will we ever work out does NOT mean that I want to see that.
3. Snapchats from just about anyone.
Did I mention that I hate Snapchat? Seriously, ten seconds is way too long for me to have to look at your obnoxiously oversmiling face.
4. The SpanishDict app Word of the Day.
Don’t knock it, I’m a Spanish minor and this app actually comes in super handy when I forgot to lug my million pound hardcover Spanish dictionary just about anywhere with me. But the word of the day is typically something I learned in middle school, so naturally it gets a bit boring.
5.CNN updates about current events that I don’t care about.
I’m not saying I’m not civically engaged. I am. I stay fairly informed; I vote. But I simply cannot be bothered to hear that Taco Bell will no longer be selling kids’ meals. The only innocuous and superfluous news I care to read is all things royal family related and that is a statement I stand firmly behind. To be honest I only downloaded the app in the first place so I could stream Anderson Cooper 360 to my cable-less dorm room (Hellooo, what a stone cold gay and middle aged fox. And I guess, hard hitting news and all that).
6.Literally any bodily fluid, mine or otherwise.
7.Texts from my ex who still tries to fight with me constantly.
At least he thinks in 3+ syllable words.
Texts from any person who lives with me when we are currently both at home. This might actually be my single biggest pet peeve, EVER. The other day I was in my room taking a nap after I got home from work and I get a text from my brother: “Come help me clean the kitchen before Mom gets home.” (Sidenote: before you judge, remember that we’re both still in college so we live at home in the summer. Granted, we both go to $50k+ per year schools so we’ll probably be straight back at home after we graduate too, but that’s beside the point). But I honestly flipped out so hard. Not because I didn’t want to help him clean the kitchen, but because I AM LITERALLY RIGHT UPSTAIRS WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT WALKING UP ONE FLIGHT OF STAIRS TO COME TALK TO ME IN PERSON? Both of my parents and my roommates are guilty of this on several occasions as well. I have no solid reasoning for why this bothers me, it just does.
9.That notice when the iPhone overheats and you can’t use it for a little while until it cools off.
Seriously bro, I would rather (temporarily) lose the use of my phone altogether than have to read your “hey babe’s” over and over.
Get the hint yet?