Dear Future Girlfriend, I Can’t Wait For You To Drive Me Wild
By Elle Foreman
Dear Future Girlfriend,
I know my life won’t be the same when I finally get to have you. In other words, I cannot buy the things I want anymore, for I’ll be buying the things YOU want. I bet I’d be almost always broke, but at least not broken.
With that, I apologize in advance if you have to pay for our movie tickets sometimes. I promise I’ll repay you in kisses. Even if I have to steal. I’m also sorry if I badger you with questions about the film we just watched. I may not have been paying full attention to the screen because I will have been looking at you every fifteen minutes. Don’t worry, it won’t be because you’re prettier in the dark. I just don’t want you to see my stupid dreamy face while I’m staring at you. Of course I’d think it’s ridiculous that you’re crying over some cheesy scene, but deep inside I’m wishing that’s the only time I’d see those tears.
If I make you an utterly bitter cup of coffee it’s because I think you’re too sweet already. Or I forgot to add sugar.
When you get sick, I will make you the family recipe soup. Well, the Campbell family’s recipe at least. I’m only a pro at boiling the water. I will be there through the highs and lows of your fever. You won’t look so good but I’d still say you’re hot. And we both know I wouldn’t be lying.
I cannot tell whether that top looks nice or not, but yes, babe, you look great in that outfit. You’re absolutely gorgeous in any outfit. No type of clothing can make you look less pretty in my eyes. Even ragged PJs. But if you really must know, you look best without anything on. I’m kidding. Well, half-kidding.
I am always going to tell you that you stink even when I secretly love the smell of your hair.
I’m always going to answer “Yes” when you ask me if you’re getting fat. Except when you’re grumpy. Or maybe especially when you’re grumpy. Hee. I’ll even pinch your love handles and ask you, “Do you know the best way to lose these?” with a wink.
I will text you at ten in the morning while you’re busy at work, “Hey Fartypants. I miss you.”
I’m pretty… loyal. The only time I’d check out another woman is if I’m looking at the mirror.
If you catch me kissing another girl, you have the liberty to call her “Bitch.” Chances are, she really is a female dog.
Don’t be alarmed when I’m suddenly texting one of your friends. I just need her help about this surprise I’m planning for you. I only have the hots for you, babe. And Emma Watson.
Don’t worry, I have mastered the skill of driving with one hand. That way, I never have to let go of yours. Except when my palm gets sweaty. Damn, you drive me crazy.
When having a night out with friends, I won’t mind stopping in mid-sentence and say, “Excuse me, The Boss is calling.” I will never reject your call. I won’t mind listening to your voice at the other end of the line telling me how frustrating your day had been, even while I’m secretly having my own frustrations in the bathroom.
When it’s that time of the month, I’ll drown you in chocolates and all your favorite food, perhaps even make you the ultimate PMS playlist. During this time, I will only remember two two-word phrases: “Yes, dear,” and “You’re right.”
To me, you’re as irresistible as bacon. The only time I’d say, “No way” is if you ask me to leave you.
And you’re in control. You can do and have whatever you like.
The only time I’d stop you is if you walk away from me.
Or maybe I won’t, but I’d follow you.
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for someone handsome, I can tell you I don’t look much, honey. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long period of solitude. Skills that make me fit for someone like you. Just hold on. I will look for you. I will find you, and I will love you.
Yes, Future Girlfriend, I want to be taken by you.
These damned maps won’t tell me the way to your heart, so I’ll just cling to the hope of good things that come to those who wait. And I could wait forever, because I know you’ll be the best thing that will come my way.