I know you’re mad at me and you hate me, but I just want to tell you what I’ve been feeling since that day, when you went all crazy about the cheating issue again. To begin with, I want you to understand that I don’t blame you for feeling sad all the time and maybe even insecure.
I don’t blame you for your harsh actions and your hurtful words that make its way not only in my ears, but also in my heart. I don’t blame you for being the slightest bit of abusive without you even noticing it. I don’t blame you for anything at all.
You have all the right to feel what you’ve been feeling and the right to act however you’ve been acting ever since that day. I take everything that you say about the incident, because I know that I have no right to defend myself anymore, because I am the bad guy in this situation. Every time you bring it up, I just go with it and try my best to understand the way things are in your perspective, but I don’t think you realize that.
You don’t realize the fact that I’ve been hurting too. I don’t think you notice that I’ve been trying, trying and trying to cope up with how you are now. You’ve changed and it’s all my fault. You constantly tell me and show me how little I am as a person because of that mistake, and what hurts the most is that I’m slowly believing in it too.
I’ve been degrading myself over and over again and I’ve been putting your feelings before mine because I am convinced that it’s the right thing to do. I believe that I have to put you first and myself second just because the pain that I made you go through was so unforgivable. Before I even say something when you hurt me, I always tell myself that I deserve this pain too. I deserve to be hurt repeatedly in the littlest of ways because I hurt you first.
I cheated on you and so, I deserve this, all of this neglect and sadness. I’m putting my pride down for as long as I can because this is how it’s supposed to be – me suffering in silence and you doing your best to move on but on ways that can put me in misery.
Good things are not bound to happen to bad people, and I’ve been spending my days standing by that statement. I love you and this is why I’m okay with this. I’m staying with you because I regret what I did in the past and I’ll do everything that I can in my power to make you feel special again. But please, do understand that everyone has their breaking points and I don’t want myself to ever reach my own.
Will this ever end? Are we going to spend months and maybe even years of our relationship being like this? What happens if there’s nothing more I could ever give to you? Why are you even staying? You obviously don’t love me anymore as much as I love you.