How can I even begin to put anything into words when I don’t even fully understand my feelings? I don’t know, but I wanted to write this letter regardless. I wanted to write this letter to myself to dish out some home truths and try and understand life a little more.
I feel I may be living in a bubble. I’ve allocated this time for myself to learn from my mistakes, but I just keep making them. The difference here is that I know that this will turn around and bite me. This won’t work. This is not going to last, but there’s a tiny voice at the back of your head that keeps reminding you of love, and the hope that it could be truly amazing. That you could end up together and see the world through each other’s eyes.
I know you have a saviour complex. I know that you’re constantly trying to be there for people and help them to go through life and quell their pain, but what about your own? Do you truly believe that you’re not good enough for a love like that of your own? Or are you clinging onto an imaginary sugar coated idea of love and life. I doubt it, you know love is hard and people are complicated, but I think you’re so preoccupied with the idea of your last lost love that you’ve gone and found someone who was willing for someone to help them, and they’re not.
You want to be the strong one so badly that you’re afraid to be weak, and when you are it scares you because you feel it can drive you away.
But this alone won’t make you undesirable, worrying about it will. The buddhist idea that you can only love others once you’ve loved yourself is thrown around much too liberally, but I think I’m finally understanding what it means. From what I’ve learnt in my short life, it means that you can’t let the moods and actions of others truly affect and justify your happiness. You can’t hang on someone’s every word and move in the hope that they can tell you how to feel, you’ve got to take charge of that one for yourself, and as scary as it is, you’ve got to trust your own instinct and do whatever makes you happy.
You can be there for people, but you’ve got to be strong and you’ve got to stand up for the way you feel.
Yeah, sometimes you may be irrational and unjustified, and the possibility to share your feelings and talk it out is always an option. But you can’t let the fear of losing that person overcome the fear of losing yourself. You are better and stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you will continue to get stronger, even if that means knocking into a few hurdles on the way.
Even though you know you’re making a mistake, that’s ok. We have to live our mistakes to truly make the person we will be, and to understand people and the world over. This love might even break you harder than the last one, a fate you didn’t think possible when crying to your mum every night, but it you will also mend from it, and you will become kinder and stronger and all over you will have lived.