1. I wonder if I can pay them to wake me up in the morning if they see I slept through the alarm and am running late to work.
2. … also, if I can pay them to brew coffee for me in the morning so I don’t have to get out of bed.
3. Do you think they’d notice if I borrowed an Oreo right now? I’m really having a moment.
4. What is the acceptable amount of time between moving in with someone and walking around in your underwear without it being weird?
5. Fuck it, it’s been a long day/week/life, the bra is coming off, they’re just going to have to deal with it.
6. Maybe I should test out their shampoo to see what it does with my hair.
7. How much conditioner is too much to steal so that it’s noticeable that I borrowed theirs when I realized at the last minute that I was out?
8. Do I need to text them when I have someone over for like, sex and stuff? WAIT, CAN THEY HEAR ME? WHAT DO I SOUND LIKE?!
9. Maybe we could join a gym together and start eating healthy together and hold each other accountable! Live-in workout buddy, yeah!
10. Oooor we could order Seamless together on the couch and feel less bad about it because we’re not alone in this moment of gluttony.
11. Maybe if I start dating someone, they could move in with me and there’d be three of us and it’d be like Three’s Company but we’d all get reduced rent!
12. Maybe THEY start dating someone and… would our apartment hold four people? Would that cramped space be WORTH the reduced rent? (Yes.)
13. Did my favorite bra accidentally go into their dirty clothes? I can’t find it anywhere.
14. How many compromising photos do they have of me in face masks and flannel pajamas and how can I get those photos destroyed?
15. Oh God, they’ve been listening to Adele for six hours now. Should I check on them? I should check. I’m worried. That’s a long time to be listening to Adele.
16. Is that my hair or their hair in the bathtub? Don’t think I won’t do an exact shade/length test to find out and shame the appropriate party.
17. If they got a dog, it would be like I had a dog, but with absolutely no real responsibility of having a dog… So, what I’m saying is, they should get a dog.
18. [Open Google] Search: “how to send a text without sounding really, really, really passive aggressive”
19. JUST SAW THE PERSON THEY’RE DATING NAKED CANNOT UNSEE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
20. Would setting up a Google calendar of whose turn it is to buy toilet paper/Brita filters/pay for the Netflix account be too Type-A?
21. I wonder if we’re close enough that we could start snuggling now without it being weird. It’s getting cold. I would like to snuggle.