1. You know that wearing white is a death wish, and are forced to be extra-careful with everything from that first sip of morning coffee to that last splash of sriracha on your sandwich.
2. And chances are good there’s a food stain somewhere on your person at any given point of time. Look down. Right now. Yep, there it is.
3. Any kind of shoes that don’t keep your feet fully, firmly, entirely on the ground are your idea of cruel and unusual torture.
4. You have perfected the art of trying to cover up tripping with a “meant to do that!” dance move.
5. Buying expensive things is rare for you, because it’s scientifically proven that the more precious it is, the more likely it is that you will bust it up.
6. You routinely wake up to new bruises and scrapes — most of which you have absolutely no idea how you got.
7. And if you do remember how you got banged up, you feel strangely proud of yourself.
8. You’re conditioned to say “nope, wasn’t me!” whenever anyone sees a disaster-zone — and then you try to figure out how long you have to cover up the fact that yeah, it was probably you.
9. Any sport is going to take a long while to get the hang of, and even then, it’s going to be embarrassingly funny to watch you suffer through some of the moves and footwork.
10. Or you could even be really competent at something, and run a half-marathon with zero problem… only to trip and fall on your face the minute you finish.
11. Any time anyone asks you to dance with a move that is a little more complex than a two step, you’re like, yeah, I’m just gonna… two-step my way over to this corner. (You are the reigning champ of Dad Dancing.)
12. You live in perpetual, mild fear of the following word: “Catch!”
13. Whenever anyone asks you how you can manage to trip on stairs or on perfectly even ground, or rip some brand new article of clothing the minute you put it on, you just sit there like, “oh, trust me, if there is a way, I WILL FIND IT.”
14. You either have an A+ management system for the various cords around your desk and apartment, or you know you will fall in the middle of the night. There is no middle ground.
15. Your knowledge of which things stain, how badly they stain, and how to get the stain out of things is legendary, because otherwise, you’d have to consider a lot of things ruined.
16. You’re afraid of the dark — not because you’re afraid of the boogeyman or monsters under the bed, but because you know you’re your own worst enemy.
17. And you have a horrible track record of upending wine glasses, cups of water, vases of flowers, and/or candles, so you’re better off just asking someone to pass you the salt. A restaurant fire isn’t worth it.