1. Wanting to go to lie out at the beach, on a patio, or in a park somewhere, and being like, “Aww yiss, getting my Vitamin D, this is great!” only to get hit with sunsickness in a debilitating 0 to 100 turn around.
2. And then feeling like you’re radioactive as your skin is absolutely radiating heat for the rest of the day.
3. Sunburn, and the subsequent peeling that makes you feel like a human-lizard hybrid.
4. (Oh, and the whole, y’know, willingly-giving-yourself-cancer thing.)
5. Debating between putting yourself through an arduous waxing session, or otherwise checking every five minutes to see if you forgot to shave.
6. Feeling obligated to make sure your toes are clean, if not pedicured, before you strap on those sandals.
7. Sweat dripping down your back.
8. Sweat making your sunglasses slide down your nose.
9. Sweat, in general. In places you didn’t know you could sweat.
10. Watching as children frolic because they’re out for three whole glorious months and you just sit there, missing built-in summer vacation something fierce. Never are you so jealous of an 8 year-old as you are during the summer.
11. The fact that “Girl Scout Cookie Season” immediately predates “Swimsuit Season” is one of the world’s worst
12. Tourists, in general. In places you didn’t know tourists even went.
13. Wanting to hang out with a friend, only to realize that they’re on vacation in some random idyll (and didn’t bother telling or even inviting you.)
14. (It’s even more stinging and cruel when it’s your family who has abandoned you for like, Aruba, and they somehow just failed to check in to see if you maybe wanted to go, too.)
15. Sure, margaritas are fun and all, but then you get salt bloat and you stare your bathing suit down like, Really. This again. Really.
16. The constant battle that is being too cold to not have a sheet over you when you’re sleeping, but too warm to use one. There is no happy place.
17. And if you have to sleep next to someone else (or even a pet) their body, while loving and wonderful and cuddly-warm in colder months, is just like a space heater of doom and you’re like, ugh, get away from me.
18. Eating a popsicle without A) making it look ridiculously inappropriate, or B) dripping approximately 75% of it on the sidewalk.
19. 60 degree mornings and 85 degree nights. HOW DO YOU DRESS FOR THIS APPROPRIATELY WITHOUT DRAGGING A JACKET WITH YOU EVERYWHERE?!
20. The. Most. Awkward. Tan. Lines. Ever.
21. Air conditioning bills serve one purpose in life, and that is to practically hemorrhage your entire paycheck.
23. That one weekend you purchase a new summery outfit…. and then it thunderstorms. All week long.
24. Has someone overdosed on watermelon? Is that a thing you can do? (Google has inconclusive results.)
25. Going anywhere that does not have air conditioning is a guaranteed “Never mind!”, even at the risk of looking like a total flake.
26. Iced coffee is approximately 2/3 the amount of coffee for 4/3 the price of regular drip, and yet here you are, shilling out your precious A/C coins for cold brew like a total sucker.
27. You would like to tell yourself that you like winter more, but then you remember the week you had to wear two pairs of jeans simultaneously and lol, no.
28. The painful, awful, soul-crushing sting that is sunscreen in your eyes.
29. But either you wind up smelling like Coppertone Sport all the time always, or you feel and smell like sticky aloe vera.
30. When you want to get a seat on the patio, but the restaurant is at max capacity so you have to acquiesce to a place inside, all the while making puppy dog eyes at the awnings and sun umbrellas as you eat.
31. Getting sick in the summer. Never has there ever been a crueler mistress.
32. Trying to tell yourself that yes, this time eating ice cream for dinner is going to fill you up, and then you’re left raiding your fridge at 11 pm for any and all food that tastes kind of okay without turning on the stove lest you turn your kitchen into a sweatshop.
33. That weird nagging feeling of wanting to listen to Christmas music, of all things you could ever possibly listen to.
34. The second-hand misery of watching all the men who have to wear suits for work soldier through that summer weight wool, because you know if they take off that jacket, their shirt is going to be a swampland of sweat.
35. Generally being expected to wear pants anywhere when you could just as easily be found sitting on your couch in front of a box fan, mainlining Netflix and barbecue leftovers, icing your boiled lobster skin, and counting down the days until Pumpkin Spice Latte season.