27 Ways You Know You Suck At Being A Girly Girl
By Ella Ceron
1. You are constantly showing up to events with the “improper” clothing, because you are completely unaware of what all societally established “proper” clothing is. Your rule of thumb is to err on the side of underdressed rather than overdressed — and you’ve shown up in jorts to a very dressed up happy hour.
2. Walking in heels looks more like “ungainly newborn baby zebra trying to not get eaten by a cheetah” rather than “classy lady.”
3. The day the fashion magazines decided it was cool to pair dresses with sneakers (or the whole flats renaissance, for that matter) was equal parts cause for celebration and “wait, people weren’t doing that already…?”
4. If you can’t wear bike shorts under your skirt, you ain’t wearing a skirt. You never know when you have to bust out into a run or a cartwheel, and you want to be prepared.
5. People have commented you on your appearance when you put the bare minimum of thought into your outfit and wear just a hint of makeup by saying, “You look so nice!” and you’re like, wait, are you saying I looked worse the other 95% of the time or…?
6. But whenever anyone remarks that they wish you had your confidence to go around bare-faced or in casual clothes, your default reaction is that it is laziness and not out-and-out confidence that’s propelling you forward.
7. If forced to choose between Joan Holloway, Peggy Olson, and Betty Draper Francis, you sit there and wonder if you could maybe choose Daenerys Targaryen instead?
8. Every time you find a new makeup hack, it’s like the heavens opened and it’s all you can think to do for the rest of your life.
9. You know that kid who is way too competitive in sports or workout classes? Yeah. That’s you. Even yoga becomes a deathmatch staredown with the girl in all-Lulu three mats over.
10. To the point where, in your overzealousness, you have stumbled over your own feet trying to beat the person a little bit ahead of you.
11. (And have probably tripped over a completely stationary piece of workout machinery.)
12. Whenever anyone asks you what perfume you’re wearing, you wonder if you can say that deodorant is a scent.
13. Doing your own nails is a study in how much polish you can get on the actual nail as opposed to the skin around the nail.
14. When you go to the pool or the beach, it’s sunscreen, shorts and a swimsuit (and even a one piece at that, because you want to swim.) You have never met a bikini that did not terrify you, and accessorizing with a sarong, hat, or bag just leaves you in a state of ?????!!!!????
15. Sports bras over regular bras. Always. (Or, at the very least, get you some utilitarian bralettes.)
16. Still, after so many years, you constantly nick yourself shaving.
17. And you still miss entire patches of hair.
18. And you forget how much stubble you have until you wear a skirt, and then you’re like, eh, humans are supposed to have hair, forget it.
19. You constantly push the work dress code to include those “dressy” sweatpants that every store has been hawking left, right, and center.
20. You suspect that there is a promised land wherein your bra matches your underwear (beyond the basic black or nude) and you suddenly become great at all things Woman — but you haven’t gotten there yet.
21. On that note, it has crossed your mind that the person who sees you naked might want a little more variety in the underpinnings you have on, but then you think, screw it, not paying extra for something that pinches and bunches when cotton does right by you always.
22. You are a devout disciple of the Church of Leggings-as-Pants.
23. Somebody suggests a dish that is either: A, dainty; B, small portions; or C, a salad; and you’re like, cute joke, gimme the BBQ burger with the onion rings on the patty, thaaaanks.
24. Any Pinterest hair tutorial is the most terrifying concept because… like… I mean… how?!?!?
25. Every time someone compliments you on a part of your appearance, you wonder if saying, “um, yeah, I think I got this at Forever 21?” is savvy or naive.
26. The beauty aisle at the drugstore, the counters at department stores, and the whole of Sephora terrify you to the point where you make a beeline to the BB cream and waterproof mascara and call it a life.
27. If you were supposed to look like Photoshop smoothed out all your rough edges, well, Photoshop would release an update for IRL. Until then, though, you have your Instagram filter game down.