1. The Wonder Twins
Clad in all-Lulu, matching ponys swinging glossily all over the place, the Wonder Twins take class together as often as possible — you rarely remember seeing one without the other, and suspect that such a feat might be categorically impossible. They’ll pick bikes together, and gab a little about the drama that happened last weekend amongst their friend group as they set up their bikes, and continue where they left off at brunch once class is over. Each is the other’s biggest motivator, and if the concept of frenemy ever entered their sacred Spin bond, it is because they refuse to let the other person out-perform them.
2. The Disciple
Following the instructor from studio to studio and class to class — even if they live clear on the other end of town! — the Disciple needs to land in the front row. They will wait in the studio lobby for an hour before sign ups to ensure their spot, the instructor routinely calls them out on a first name basis. Disciples gravitate to the familiar faces, and find likeminded worshippers to gush with as to why this one instructor is better than all others. Hey, they found what works for them — but don’t you dare cross them if you accidentally take their bike. They don’t come to your place of worship to laugh at the sermon, do they?
3. The Fittest Human On Earth
Often wearing a bandana and tech shirt, and sporting the kind of muscles that would make Captain America look lazy, the Fittest Human probably breezed into Spin from a weights class that just ended five minutes ago, and will follow up this little jaunt with a 7 mile run. They guzzle protein like it’s going out of style, and you’re pretty sure that your definition of the “hard” setting is their “easy.” You might or might not consider their hamstrings the 8th and 9th wonders of the world. You might or might not be a little afraid of all that sinew and strength.
4. Generic Gerry
Short for Geriatric, Gerry just pedals along in his sweatband and calf-high socks, trying to keep up with the wattage but not stressing it. Anything more than he’s giving right here in this minute might give him a coronary, and though you’re not sure how much he enjoys the driving beats that are hallmark for Spin classes, you have to give him props for keeping up with the young’ins.
5. The Fiancée
The minute the rock that is now glinting from position 3 landed on that finger, she booked as many classes as humanly possible, bought new shoes, and researched so much about diet and recovery that it would be terrifying if it wasn’t kind of admirable. Whenever the instructor tells her to get to the top of the hill, she grits her teeth, imagines her wedding day up there, and pushes through. You have a sinking suspicion that it if it weren’t for the endorphins tempering her frazzled nerves, she would be the most fear-inducing Bridezilla of all time.
6. The Boyfriend
Once upon a time, the Boyfriend was coerced into a class by his significant other — who is now possibly the Fiancée — but now… now he’s hooked. If his better half is in tow, he takes the bike directly next to them. The two of them share knowing, winded glasses throughout the course of the class, whispering things like “you okay?” and “wow!” to each other in that sweet little language known as [endorphins + love = 2gether 4ever].
You might also see The Boyfriend roll five deep with a posse of homies instead, at which point they become the Brofriends.
7. Newbie Nelly
We’ve all been Nelly at one time or another, but still, we can’t help but want to console her and hug her and tell her it will be alright. She brings five towels with her, frets over setting up the bike, and laughs nervously before saying that she’s “so nervous.” And Spin is challenging, to be sure, but to psyche yourself out before the music even plays is a little premature. Take a deep breath, Nell, and just try to avoid stairs immediately after class is over. You will see it through to the other side.
8. Chance Armstrong
You can understand why they have the shoes and the special shorts with the butt pad. That all makes sense. But do you really need the head-to-toe regalia? And the helmet? The unitard?! It’s entirely possible that they’re a road warrior and it’s a bad weather day, so they couldn’t go outdoors, but everyone has a shirt in their drawer that would be more Spin-appropriate than the technical zip-up. Say what you want about everything else being in the wash, buddy, we all know you think you’re gunning to win the yellow jersey in your head.
9. The Person Who Is In Class And Yet… Isn’t?
The instructor says to get out of the saddle, they’re still sitting down. The instructor bellows to crank it up a turn, and they’re just pedaling along like this is the Dutch canals, but oh, wait, they have a text and just have to answer this email. Your deepest fantasies involve asking them exactly why then they take class, but unless they take a bike in the middle of the floor, it just isn’t worth it. (And they often prefer sitting in the deep corner, so at least they’re aware of their transgressions? Maybe?)
10. Bridget Jones
If this has not honestly been you at some point in time, well, I mean. How?!?