1. The crush you only admit to by refusing to admit it.
The ultimate of secret shame crushes. This is the one that is so torrid and fervently consuming your every last thought that you have to tell someone about it. But you can’t do it in the regular old way, no chance, no way, oh no: you have to wait for your friends to all but accost you and demand you confess your feelings, only to rebuke them by saying that you won’t say it. This person probably knows how you feel — the only thing they don’t know is why you don’t admit to it. Come on. Everyone knows. You’re fooling no one. You, my friend, are a Disney interlude come to life.
2. The crush that is so pedestrian as to be obvious.
Who, you? Consider Chris Evans attractive? Like, congratulations on having eyes? Why would you do a silly thing like that? Not, you. You, my friend — you have very exacting, very specific tastes. No, you wouldn’t dare think someone who everyone else thinks is attractive to be attractive. Not even when they look like this:
No, this is the one you wouldn’t dare admit because you like bands before they were cool, you curate your closet to be the exact opposite of what everyone else is wearing, and no one has ever dared call you basic. Yet here you are, harboring this secret crush for one Captain America like the ardent flame of the Statue of Liberty.
3. Your middle school teacher.
Was this appropriate? Hell no. Did you still love them? Yes. It was weird, and it was shameful, and if you saw them in the grocery store when you visit home, you’d still have a bit of a stomach flip. You were constantly on edge for realizing that if you ever admitted to any of this, it would be an instant Lifetime movie waiting to happen. But after all, you were young and navigating the weird, weird world of raging hormones, and you didn’t know what to do with all of that baby angst, so it just happened to latch on the substitute standing in front of you in pre-algebra.
4. Your best friend or sibling’s significant other.
Arguably the absolute worst of the lot, this crush is only fueled by the fact that you see this person all. the freaking. time, so you couldn’t even get respite if you wanted to. They’re always there, lavishing attention and kisses and love on someone who you know deserves all of this affection. And you’re happy for them, you really are! Still, you can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have all of that attention lavished on you, and then you wallow in shame for passively wanting to steal something from your best friend.
5. Your platonic best friend.
Granted, this is the crush that has the most potential to actually, y’know, be something, but still – and I know that you’ve heard this so many times before — do you want to risk that? What if you break up? What if they don’t think of you in that way? What if you make a move and then things are awkward and your friendship crumbles to the ashes of Facebook birthday messages and random #tbt photos? Do you really want to lose out on the one person you can text at all hours? But then again…. what if they’ve got a secret crush on you, too, and are thinking all of these things? So maybe you could make a move, but then what if you’re reading the signs all wrong?! Do you get the sense that this is a horrible cycle?
6. That one person you see all the time while running errands.
You don’t know who they are, where they’re from, or what they do for a living — but you do know what time they usually get to the coffee shop in the morning, where they do their grocery shopping, or which days are relegated to weights or cardio at the gym. And not because you’re stalking them! No, the fact of the matter is that you both live in the same neighborhood, frequent the same spots at the same time, and you’ve built up this little fantasy world in your own head. You already have the same routine, as you keep. on. running. into. them at all turns, so you might as well just solidify this thing and move in together. Really, it’s economical.
(But you’d never actually admit to these thoughts, as that borders on stalker, and you already acknowledge the fact that noticing that you’ve noticed them frequently is kinda creepy in and of its own.)
7. The one you just KNOW is out there for you.
Whether you call them The One; your Future Soulmate and/or Lover; or just talk about how one day your prince will come to all the twittering, friendly little woodland creatures (you know this because you met them once upon a dream), this is the person for whom you’re holding out undying hope. Maybe you write them love letters in the late-night glow of your Tumblr screen. Maybe you already know them, but just can’t see their diamond-in-the-rough potential, or maybe you just have yet to meet them at all. Whatever the case, you’re holding out hope that one day, some day soon, your paths will cross and you’ll have the house, the kids, the dog, the pancakes on Saturday morning, and everything in between. Your life is destined to be a coffee commercial!
But the fact of the matter is, this idealistic hope is what keeps you floating on throughout the online dates and friends of friends and sloppy nights at overcrowded bars. This is the crush that will see you through all of that. Because you never really know which person will wind up being The One.