1. After a long day at the office, it takes everything in you to keep from collapsing on the couch, let alone stand in front of the stove to actually, y’know, cook.
2. Plus, it’s nice to have the delivery guy check in on you every now and again. Doesn’t he worry about you? Would he worry about you if you stopped calling? I bet he cares. He’s a little guardian angel who also hands off sweet potato fries.
3. You can buy as many fresh, local veggies as you want at the Farmer’s Market, but that dirt is not going to scrub itself off, nor are them veggies going to chop themselves.
4. You have, on more than one occasion, walked into the grocery store with the sole intention of buying “JUST the essentials,” only to wake up from a blacked-out fever dream, clutching a basket of artisan spicy pickles, Nutella, and pizza.
6. There comes a very real, very wonderful day in everyone’s lives when they realize that they no longer have to wait for Halloween to get candy. They can just go out with their own money and buy it. Nobody’s stopping you! Nobody’s going to tell you no! All the candy, none of the itchy costumes, ALL OF THE SUGAR EVER EVER EVER.
7. The logic that a green juice negates a donut still gets you every. single. time.
8. On that note, every time a friend of yours declines a brunch invite because they’re “on a cleanse,” you can’t help but want to just chew a steak in front of them. And just keep chewing. And chewing. And chewing. Sure, it’s not a very grown up thing to be spiteful, but they bought the dumb cleanse. They brought this on themselves.
9. As much as you know this lends itself to a very real problem, it’s still kiiinda clever:
10. Every office ever always has that one person who takes it upon themselves to buy affection and apologize for their awful reply-all habit with homemade double-chocolate cookies. And who are you to say no to double chocolate cookies?
11. (For breakfast.)
12. You’ve looked up the recipe to a dish you saw on Pinterest or in a magazine, saw the need to buy 8 different spices and 2 different specialty oils, and just started laughing.
13. A really fun game you often like to play is seeing how much [hummus/cheese/Nutella] you can put into your body at any one point in time.
14. Being a grown up often sucks (bills, rent, more bills), but you can buy yourself a whole pizza and share it with absolutely NO ONE and that kind of makes up for the sucky parts a little.
15. Sometimes you catch kids arguing with their parents about ordering off the “grown up” menu and you think to yourself, “No, kid! No! You don’t know how lucky you have it! It’s cheaper, AND you can get them to shape peanut butter & jelly pancakes LIKE A TEDDY BEAR!”
16. Once upon a time, in a reality far, far away, you know words like “non-GMO” and “gluten-free” actually meant something but now there’s just so many buzzwords that you don’t know where to start or to whom you ought to listen.
17. This goes double for diets or lifestyles or regimens or WHATEVER it is you’re supposed to call it these days.
18. If the best foods weren’t shaped like dinosaurs, why would they even bother making foods shaped like dinosaurs? They wouldn’t, that’s why.
19. Sometimes all you want to do is go back to your parents’ house, crawl into the corner of your mom’s couch, and let her bring you chicken noodle soup. And if the best you can do at this moment is get yourself some chicken noodle soup and crawl into the corner of your own couch and call your mom, well, that’s a close enough approximation.
20. If you live alone or are single, you routinely face the conundrum or cooking once and eating the same meal day in, day out for 4 days (or until it becomes too questionable to ascertain whether it’s radioactive yet) or just wasting tons of ingredients, food, and therefore, money.
21. Your favorite kind of meal is a free meal. Still. To this day. College habits die hard, kids.
22. You know deep down that any day you do not eat ice cream for dinner is a day wherein 5 year-old you is judging you from deep within your past – and judging you hard. (And you wouldn’t want to induce that kind of judgment. 5 year-old you held a goddamn grudge.)
23. It’s really, really fun to base your food choices off of any possible combination of emoji. Especially cake. There’s more than one cake emoji for a reason, after all.
24. You know you should start paving the way to a healthy lifestyle now, but you’re also like, man, gotta make the most of this metabolism while it’s on its last legs.
25. Ordering a salad at a restaurant just seems all-sad (lolgetit??)
26. No, but really. How did kale get so popular and is a vegetable with its own PR force really a vegetable you can trust?
27. Why dirty a fork you’re only going to have to clean when pretzel sticks are just like edible utensils? Exactly, my friend. Exactly.