What Your Favorite Chipotle Order Says About You

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N.B.: As with the glory that is the Chipotle menu, each one of these characteristics can be mixed and matched to create your ideal order. Because you, my friend, are vast. You contain multitudes.

1. Steak

You were the popular kid in school, an awesome friend, the ultimate catch, the most highly sought after prom date. You’re unique enough to jazz up any mundane Thursday conversation, but also zesty enough that sometimes you have to be taken in doses. This isn’t a bad though β€”Β no matter how instantly filling you may be, people are always going to want to keep you around for seconds.

2. Chicken

The more pedestrian, everyday sort of person, you grew up with the knowledge that you might not have been a special snowflake, but really, no one is. You’re sensible and reasonable, warm and welcoming without being overzealous. You probably work out maybe twice or three times times a week, which is a reasonable amount of working out, but, y’know, not six-pack status.

3. Barbacoa

You were probably a little off-beat as a kid, a little… well, um, unique, and special and all those words that are a roundabout way of saying that for a while, a lot of people didn’t really understand you all that much. That was your cross to bear, though, and you turned into a tender and interesting individual with a lot to offer in terms of variety and depth.

4. Old-fashioned vegetarian

You are the kind of person who likes compromise. You know that if you give up one thing, you’re bound to get another. (The phrase, “When God closes one door, somewhere he opens a window” is your mantra). You are also probably a fan of all manners of “hacks,” and were always the kind of kid to finish all your vegetables β€” especially because you knew that ice cream would come later. Or, you know, in this case, it’s guac, but since when was free guac anything but a good thing?!

Alternatively, you’re the kind of vegetarian that willingly abstains from using your dietary choices as an excuse to become a junk food junkie, and for that, you are fighting the good fight.

5. Sofritas/Tofu

You, my friend. You hold out for the dream. You are a resourceful, adventurous son of a gun, and you know that a one-time choice doesn’t define you for the long haul. You also are used to trying to find alternative methods of getting the job done, and are downright imaginative at work. People look to you for the clever ideas, and people know you’re always full of wonderful surprises.

6. Burrito

You’re an intrepid individual, and always grab life with both hands. You don’t let something as silly as utensils in your way β€”Β in fact, they only seem to hold you back, and you’re all about just getting the job done. You’re a self-contained person, and like to rely on you, yourself, and you alone. Just be careful, my little burrito. You can get real messy really fast, so do yourself a favor and double-check to see that you’re not dropping key components of your job by the wayside as you go.

7. Burrito bowl

You are a moderate human being, the kind who knows that too much of a good thing can still be way too much. You enjoy conveniences that might seem less cool and daring β€”Β after all, a bowl you can’t eat is hardly as impressive as a cozy lil’ sleeping bag for your food – but still, you know that you can manage to have your cake and eat it, too. Besides, it’s almost second-nature for you to pace yourself. You have a gift, my friend. Embrace this even-keeled side to yourself, for it is a rare and valued trait.

8. Tacos

Whether crispy or soft β€”Β or both! β€”Β you’re the kind of person that surprises people. They think you’re going to be average and run of the mill, and then, bam! You’re just what the doctor ordered, in just the right dosage. Self-reliant and only about half as messy as your burrito brethren, you aren’t always what people fantasize about, but the people that know you know yours is a true kind of love.

9. Salad

… HOW. You also probably go to the gym for two-a-day sessions on the regular, and know how to forego the chips. (Either that, or you’re getting the salad exclusively so you can get the chips and feel no shame and/or guilt, in which case I say smart move, buddy!) Still… HOW?!?

10. Half-and-half meat

You are the reigning monarch when it comes to owning the system. You like to stick it to the man, and regularly. Rules do not apply to you, and where you’re going, you don’t need roads. Watch out for you, you daredevil, you. You understand that the concept of any one of the food delivery formats is conducive to mixing your foods, and you’re going to take that to the next level. Why? Mostly because. you. can.

11. Double meat

You just don’t know when to quit, do you? You’re the kind of person who likes more, more, more, and while that is by no means a bad thing, you’ll probably be your own undoing sooner or later. Tread lightly, for the downside to gluttony of this is, at the very least, the kind of foodbaby that renders you immobile for three days straight. Yous is not the kind of personality for the faint-hearted. You’re a lot to handle, but goddam are you worth it.

12. Chips ‘n guac ‘n salsa

And I mean ONLY chips ‘n guac ‘n salsa. You are a resourceful kid, and can make the best out of any situation that most people wouldn’t think of. You don’t care about what most people would call a “real meal.” You know that as long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. And you’re usually made happy with very simple pleasures. Way to be economical.

13. Quesarito

You believe in horoscopes, and the occult, and would maybe even write a yearly letter to Santa Claus if you still could. You don’t believe in moderation at all, and have dreams of Xzibit putting food in your food so you could eat while you eat. You are bold and brave, and are the kind of person who always asks your crush out. You know what you want, and aren’t going to let anyone stop you on your quest to have it.

14. Quesadilla and/or nachos

There is thinking outside of the box, and then there is you. Just because things aren’t the conventional choice doesn’t mean you don’t want to go to there. And go to there you will, my friend. Godspeed with all of your inventive endeavors.

15. Corn salsa

You’re not the most… traditional kind of human being, even though a lot of people think you are. On the surface, sure. You might come across as a little strange, a little weird, but then people get to know you, and the minute they do, it’s magic. You take a little getting used to, but at the end of the day, all of your ideas are generally good β€”Β or at least come from a good place. You’re also probably really corny. (And appreciate that corny joke, haw haw haw.)

16. Mild salsa

You’re a general crowd-pleaser, and the kind of person who gets along with most people in most situations. You add a little unexpected twist to everything that you do β€” a signature, if you will. Yours is a fresh perspective, and you’re able to provide key insight at moments that might otherwise be a little dull without you.

17. Medium salsa

You’re just cool enough that a lot of people like you, but not so universally favored that everyone gets tired of you and you’re relegated to the ways of the tragically commonplace. You still have your own little zing, and know that just because a lot of people like you, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have nothing special to offer. You have everything special to offer. You take a good experience and make it even better.

18. Hot salsa

You are true to your word every time. Lying is not for you. You would rather people be uncomfortably honest than not honest at all, and you are going to lead the charge on the truth-telling brigade. When you say you’re going to do something, you freaking follow through. You’re not for everyone, sure, but the people who appreciate you for who you are also probably believe that more people should be like you.

19. ALL the salsas

You just don’t know when to quit, do you? Well, you know what? You know how to get the most bang for your buck. You like complexity, you like layers, and you probably ordered half-and-half meat, too. You do you, baby. Don’t let nobody stop you from doing your thing.

20. A beer to go with

You’re a laid-back individual, and know how to turn an everyday occurrence into something a little more special. You also see opportunity where most people wouldn’t dare see it, because indeed, Chipotle, land of the last-minute lunch break is hardly where people would consider kicking back a beer. You, however, know different. To you, happy hour begins when you say it does.

21. A margarita

You are a portable party. You take a good thing and make it downright festive β€”Β even at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday. Even at 11 a.m. on a Monday. You see opportunity and you seize it. God bless you, margarita aficionado. If more people ordered margaritas on random weekdays, we’d get a lot done at work, sure, but we’d all be happier while we were being unproductive.

22. Tabasco sauce

You are all about the untapped resources. You know that buried treasure exists in the most overlooked places. You also have probably nabbed one of these little glass bottles to keep at your office desk. Haven’t you? HAVEN’T YOU? (This is a judgment free zone, though. Just be sure to tip your burrito artisan accordingly.) TC mark

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