1. Whenever you hear a cat caller saying “God bless you, girl!” you have to think to yourself, that really isn’t God you’re thinking of, honey.
2. You’ve caught yourself mentally going over what you’ve eaten on holy days, trying to remember whether or not you ate meat.
3. … You’re a vegetarian.
4. You make a point to shower after sex.
5. You know your wedding has to be in a church because the mere thought of any alternative would leave your parents screaming for a rosary.
6. Speaking of, you have your own rosary lurking somewhere in your apartment, and cannot bring yourself to get rid of it because, I mean, you can’t.
7. If you ever get too close to another member of the opposite sex, you have a fleeting moment that the Holy Ghost is getting kinda squashed between the two of you right now.
8. Any day the weather spikes to an uncomfortable boiling, you immediately wonder if this is God punishing you as a precursor to Hell.
9. Someone has called you out for your subconscious habit of genuflecting every time you pass a church.
10. Telling kids the truth about Santa doesn’t ruin Christmas. You want to know what ruins Christmas? Not going to Midnight Mass.
11. You chalk up ‘forgetting to floss’ as a sin.
12. Any slightly off-putting comment you even so much as think about another person will send you into a deep shame spiral and you’ll analyze it for weeks.
13. (You have a lot of thoughts like this).
14. Whenever your boss calls you into a meeting, you immediately cycle through the hundreds of possible reasons why this is it, you’re going to yelled at, you’re going to get fired, this is the end – and then they just ask if you maybe want to go to that business trip in Tucson.
15. You subconsciously get a little anxious when about to hook up with someone because MAKING LOVE IS FOR ONE RELATIONSHIP ONLY.
16. You sometimes wonder whether or not you are actually going to burn in Hell, even if you don’t actively identify as Catholic anymore. (The guilt is eternal. Like your possible damnation).
17. You immediately hear “Don’t use God’s name in vain!” in your head whenever you curse in a moment of frustration.
18. If you went to Catholic school, you unwittingly flinch or adjust your clothes to be more modest and presentable whenever you pass a nun or priest in your everyday life.
19. You tend to last longer on your New Year’s Resolutions than your friends do, because all your Lenten promises have trained you well.
20. Even so much as joking about Catholicism makes you feel oddly uneasy.
21. Jack Donaghy is, and always will be your spirit animal for this and this alone:
What being a catholic means by trastocamos