Every time I meet a new person, I figure out how I’m gonna fight ’em.
Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to survive. Haven’t you ever read my throw pillow?
You’re my new night job and I’m gonna love you like my boss is watching.
Dating is like your haircut. Sometimes awkward triangles occur.
Jenna Maroney: Jack, can we talk? One ten to another.
Jack: I’m an eleven, but continue.
Well, it’s business drunk, it’s like rich drunk. Either way, it’s legal to drive.
Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It’s after 6. What am I, a farmer?
Kenneth Parcell: I don’t choose Democrat or Republican because choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord’s name.
Jack: That’s Republican; we count those.
You know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.
I once claimed “I am God” during a deposition.
I can’t believe you’re out of the game. It’s like Picasso not painting, or Bruce Willis not combining action and rock harmonica.
Well, it’s really quite simple: men seek out the company of other men they admire and want to be like. Floyd is me 20 years ago, I’m Don Geiss 30 years ago. 20 years from now, Floyd’ll be me, I’m gonna be Don Geiss and Don Geiss will be dead.
Come on, Lemon. What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus.
Tracy Jordan: I’m gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don’t I?
It has sex, lies, puberty, betrayal, relay races… “MILF Island” reflects the drama of the human experience, and isn’t that the essence of art?
Never go with a hippie to a second location.
Jack: Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you’ve not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?
Liz: No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
Jack: I would think that the single woman’s biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.
I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males.
There are no bad ideas, Lemon. Just good ideas that go horribly bad.
Well, it’s only positive reinforcement when they say it to you. In my case they’re just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.
Jenna: You’ve created two Lizzes, writer Liz and performer Liz. Performers need to be coddled, to be protected from the real world.
Jack: I get it. I must treat her like the New York Times treats its readers.
What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?
The Italians have a saying, Lemon: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” And although they’ve never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this case, they’re right.
Jack: Lemon, obviously I can’t approve of someone I’ve never met.
Liz: Yeah, well, I’m not letting you meet Criss because you won’t approve of him.
Jack: Well then I guess this is a catch-22, although I don’t know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.
When will this be made public, sir? I want my mother to know before she dies so goes to her grave a defeated woman.
Jack: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz: Those weren’t jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack: Well, they got big laughs.
Business doesn’t get me down. Business gets me off.
Tracy: See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.
Jack: That’s not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that’s no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you’re simply… eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.
Tracy: I don’t think I want that. I’m out.
Jack: [to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.
Lemon, there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape or Sasquatch and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became its friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God, he did it. Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do for the woodland ape. You think about that.
God, this is like dating Katie Couric all over again.