Sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich
If something ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If you’re not hungover today, chances are good that you’re reminiscing to all those times when your trusty Hangover Helper was there for you and saw you though the tough times. You party hard, and know the price you must pay for said partying. I respect your dedication to the night, my friend. Just don’t spike that coffee with the hair of the dog that bit you. It never ends well.
Juice, and only juice
You are either on a cleanse, coming off of a cleanse, or at least believe in the cosmic high that a cleanse instills. Your self-control is formidable, and your ability to make other people guilty might as well be a freaking superpower.
Muffin and latte
Chances are good you entered your local coffee joint with the intention of only buying a latte, but you saw the muffin glittering in its gorgeous jewel case and heard it calling your name. You are all about the instant gratification and really, who could blame you? To start your morning with a small smackerel of glorified cake and a classy-ass latte? You have funds to spare, but just remember to share that sweet cash with those who can’t afford to start their day with a $10 breakfast every now and again.
Healthy cereal or plain oatmeal
If your inner child could see you now, they would weep with the virulence of learning that Santa doesn’t exist. While you’re on your daily quest for fiber and regularity, remember that ghost of your innocence and mix it up every once in a while. Dabble in the world of sugary cereal. Go a little crazy. It’s okay. Your comfort zone will be waiting for when you’d like to return.
Yogurt, granola, and fruit
You are the Pokemon evolution version of the healthy cereal person. You are probably the most adult person you know, and phrases like “401k” and “pension plan” don’t terrify you. But you. You terrify me. You terrify everyone. (Unless you’re a yogurt-cup-with-fruit-and-granola-already-mixed-in kind of person. In this case, you run chronically late and are still just trekking on and trying to figure out this “adult thing” as you go.)
Last night’s dinner
There is a very good chance that you are reading this in sweatpants that could use a good washing, but I am not one to judge your comfortable ways. Maybe last night’s dinner was really good and you can’t wait to have it again. Maybe this is the day after thanksgiving and you’re a proud resident of leftover city. Maybe you had cake for dinner last night and you want to break all the rules and have it again. But yeah, maybe you should just change your sweatpants into a clean pair of sweatpants.
You are everything your inner five year old dreamed you could become, and you hold a specific sadness towards those who eat healthy cereal. Revel in your assertion that the grain (crust) + dairy (cheese) + protein (meat toppings) + vegetable (tomato sauce) combo is a balanced meal. Hold fast to your beliefs. They’ve served you well these past few decades, and there’s no reason to change your ways now. Stubborn? Not you. You just know when you’re right and everyone else is w-r-o-n-g.
Bacon and eggs
You idolize Ron Swanson above all others, and long for the day when you could pull such a baller move as asking your waiter for all the bacon and eggs in any given establishment. At the very least, you find the tenets of the Paleo lifestyle to be interesting, and you laugh in the face of doctors who warn you against high cholesterol and clogged arteries. You, my friend, are a daredevil. You live fast, and if you die young, so be it. You will have died happy.
You are a traditionalist, and you often like the nostalgic idea of a thing more than you like the thing itself. You’re a optimistic son-of-a-gun, and you always hold out hope that one day, there will be a glorious moment in which everything you think to be true will manifest. You also believe in your horoscope, and check it religiously every single morning. May the stars be with you.
Your level of cool will only increase exponentially throughout the day, but anyone who starts their day with a helping of hot sauce is pretty fly to begin with. If you manage to procure one of these bad boys after 11 am, your levels of persuasion are formidable, and you would do well as a FBI negotiator.
As you sit atop your throne of swag and powdered sugar, remember the little people who are not as decadent as you are. Marie Antoinette once suggested that the starving people should eat cake, but she may as well have said French toast. You know how to treat yourself in the most luxurious of ways. Way to do you, Big Pimpin’.
Keep fighting the good fight, trooper. You are not alone.