1. Please put the lotion away.
Why the heck is it by your bed? Is there a logistic reason behind that placement choice? While I can probably connect the dots, I rather leave my imagination in my head and keep it there. Also, I think it is extremely important that ANY grooming products should remain off the table and hidden in a cabinet somewhere. You don’t see my tampons out and about.
2. The Spider Man sheets that your mom purchased for you when you were 12 years old.
Before you rip off my clothes, you should rip off those sheets. But on the flip side (figuratively speaking of course), please do not have specific sheets for us. One of my girlfriends confided to me of a particular instance when her confused bed buddy had saved silk bedsheets for the two of them. Let’s just leave it at this, the only freak that will be in either of those sheets will be you, the lone ranger who thought that was a good idea.
And on a more basic level: Is it too much to ask for the sheets to simply be clean?!
3. Now the pillow situation — what’s up with the lack of?
Do you hate yourself? Do you assume you’re forever going to find yourself sleeping by yourself? With pillows, it should be common sense that less is not more. And if you really feel like one is all you need, the least you could do is have a cover over your one lonely pillow for your one lonely self.
4. In case you weren’t aware, I think it is safe to say as a generalization that Family Guy playing in the background is not what a woman considers romantic scenery.
I swear, if I hear that “giggity giggity goo”, all I’ll have left to say is to you is that you will quickly find me giggity giggity gone. Good day, good night, good-bye, and GOOD LUCK.
5. You would think that the ex-girlfriend pictures are an ex-ample of what not to have on display.
Please don’t hang up anything and/or anyone that you are hung up over.
1. Why don’t you have toilet paper in your bathroom?!
I can only hope that the toilet paper is not misplaced somewhere else… like hypothetically speaking, by your bedside table for another said purpose other than bathroom needs.
2. The excessive body hair in the bathroom.
I know us females are apparently supposed to be hairless on every part of our bodies except our heads (and I’m not even going to begin to discuss why that double standard is so wrong), but let’s not forget the golden rule either. Please treat others how you would like to be treated. If I am taking care of my business, I will make sure that I absolutely finish the job from beginning to end, with no mark or trace of the process left behind. So if you’re going to make sure you’re well groomed, too, I truly do appreciate the thought, but it would mean a lot to just go the extra step and rinse the sink bowl.
3. Uh… where is the soap?
Are we not washing our hands? Don’t you dare think you can lay your unwashed hands on me.
1. Don’t slut-shame me in your bachelor pad.
This was actually inspired by a Sex and the City episode, but it holds true. Do you really think calling me a “fucking whore” will make me want you any more than I did to begin with?
2. This is no two-way street.
If you’re doing something for me, don’t go assuming that I’m going to exchange the favor. Thanks for being considerate, but don’t consider that I will do the same. You get what you get.
3. You don’t have to be heartless but let’s not get too close for comfort.
To put it simply, you are more than allowed and entitled to having feelings, but no I do not want warm milk before we go to sleep (this is not hypothetical and has actually happened).
4. Dogs may be man’s best friend, but depending on the occasion, a dog is not always a woman’s best friend.
Is it too much to ask that your dog is not in the room when we’re doing things that your dog does to itself? Having the dog in the bedroom is certainly not doggie-style etiquette.
5. Home is where you actually live.
If you’re taking a woman home… take her to your actual home. Not the place you pet-sit, and not your grandparents or your obscure relatives place, but YOUR place. Thanks for the invite, but if the only place you have to offer is what I’ve mentioned above and/or a couch, you might as well not have any place in my life.