I know we’re all adults here and we theoretically know that acting desperate and needy for someone’s attention is unattractive. The problem is that acting needy isn’t something that anyone sets out to do intentionally, so we’re all likely to say to ourselves “well that isn’t me. I just love them SO MUCH.”
Well…it’s a trap.
Usually people don’t realize they’re doing it until the person they’re dating sits them down and ends the relationship or worse, ghosts them completely. Even then, it can be a total mystery why the relationship fell apart. Whether they realized it or not, at some point the relationship got off balance and started giving off super insecure vibes.
Here are 7 signs that you’ve got to stop the cling routine before it’s too late:
1. You Pre-Clear Off Your Schedule
Because you expect them to be available at a certain day or time, you block it off without having set plans. While this seems good on the surface—after all, you’re making time for someone—the problem is that it becomes highly likely that you’re neglecting your own passions, people and hobbies. Make time by mutual agreement, not because you’re holding out a catcher’s mitt for their attention.
2. You Dwell, Analyze and Worry About Everything They Say and Do
Since fear is uncomfortable and can make us feel out of control, sometimes we fight to gain control by analyzing everything that goes on, believing that if we understand it, we could change it. Unfortunately, this over-analysis usually causes us to say and do things that seem even more insecure, because we’re dwelling on all of it so heavily.
3. You’ve Come to Subtly View their Time With Other People as Competition
Getting jealous a lot? Pissed off that he’s spent an hour on the phone with his brother? Getting bent out of shape over the fact that they’re spending time with other people is a sign that you’re getting clingy. It’s a huge mistake to give in to these feelings and give your partner a hard time about the time they spend with others. It just makes you look (and feel) controlling and unattractive to them.
4. They Actually Mention That They Aren’t Getting Enough Time to Themselves
If your partner is actually asking you to back off, then for heaven’s sake, BACK OFF. For any relationship to thrive, both people need the opportunity to rest and recharge away from each other. You can’t make them love you more by trying to spend every waking moment with them. You’ve got to give the relationship space to breathe.
5. You Shower Them with Unreciprocated Gifts and Praise
Because you’re feeling off balance, it can be tempting to overcompensate by trying to give them everything in an attempt to show them how much you care about them and the relationship. When they’re backing away, it can feel like the right move to try to draw closer.
6. When They Don’t Reciprocate, You Feel Resentful
If you were honest with yourself, it would become clear that you’re giving to get something back from them, be it gifts, praise or simply their attention. This kind of conditional giving is not a good look and you already know that, but often we do this without consciously intending to.
The test for whether you’re giving too much is this: does it feel like there’s give and take in your relationship or does it feel like you’re doing all of the giving? If it’s the latter, you’re probably giving to get, out of a sense of fear or insecurity about the relationship’s future.
7. You’re Chasing a Bigger Commitment and They Aren’t Forthcoming About Wanting That
When we feel insecure and worry that someone is pulling away from us, often we try to pursue them for reassurance that they’ll never leave us—in insecure behavior and attitude that causes them to want to leave us.