Much has been written on how to get someone back, but often people don’t ask themselves the obvious question: “do I really want them back?” before trying to get back someone that was wrong for them in the first place.
In the moment, the pain of a breakup can be so heart wrenching that you’ll do anything to make it stop. It’s easy to start thinking “maybe if I get back together with them, I’ll be happy like I used to be” when you are heartbroken. Severe heartbreak can lead to some extremely irrational thoughts, like the time once I believed wholeheartedly that my ex would somehow change his mind and return based on my newfound fitness routine (thank goodness he didn’t).
This is why it’s absolutely crucial that you consider whether you actually want them back before you set out to actually get them back in your life. Don’t make the wrong decision here and attract them back, only to remember why they were wrong for you in the first place.
Ask yourself these four questions when deciding whether you should try and get your ex back:
1. Could you see yourself in a relationship with them again?
Obviously it’s harder to remember what a relationship with your ex was like the longer you have been apart, but consider whether you would be a good fit for their life in the present day.
Do you have similar lifestyles? Do you have similar goals? People who we leave often grow and change a lot from the last time we saw them. Consider whether they are (or ever were) actually compatible with you.
2. Did you feel ultra relieved when the relationship ended in the first place?
Often a deep sense of relief arrives right after the decision to break up. This is usually clouded by heartbreak, but have you started to think that you are better off without them? Was part of your relationship so difficult that you just weren’t inspired to continue? Are you actually happy to go back to days of endless freedom and not checking in with anyone? Strong feelings of relief (that “dodged a bullet” feeling) are a sign that your ex, was wrong for you.
3. Why did you break up?
Relationships that fell victim to poor timing, stress or circumstances are easier to repair than relationships that ended because you couldn’t stand each other. For example, a relationship that ended because you both had a hard time with maintaining your bond over long distance is easier to repair than a relationship where you feel deep distain for them and you both fought like caged badgers every weekend.
If you aren’t sure, ask a supportive friend to recant the gory details. It’s easy to strap on the rose colored glasses and make a terrible pairing into something great with the benefit of misery and hindsight.
4. Did you recently find out that they are with someone else?
Often finding out that one’s ex has embarked upon a new relationship can send people into a shame spiral. It is as if suddenly, they realized that their relationship was actually, really, 100% over, as opposed to 95% over after the breakup.
Finding out that good ole’ ex is happily coupled up with someone new can send people into a frenzy of “get them back now at all costs” behavior. If you have recently discovered that your ex is dating someone new and this has awoken the desire to get them back, examine whether you actually want them or if maybe… you are feeling selfishly like you don’t want anyone else to have them.