I firmly believe that there is someone (likely more than one) for everyone.
However, the idea that you need to “be yourself” and they will magically pop out of the woodwork when you aren’t actively TRYING (in all senses of the word) is a really slippery slope. Yes, you need to be yourself when you are looking for someone but consider that the best possible version of yourself is really what you need.
Would you go on a first date without showering or getting dressed?
Would you skip grooming entirely and scream at the waiter?
I sure hope not (if this is the case, we have more things to talk about).
While you want to portray an accurate picture of who you are, dating is still MARKETING. In order to get the best possible person in your life, you will need to up your game to attract them.
One day I hit upon a powerful realization that changed my whole attitude about dating. I did a common exercise where I wrote down all of the things I wanted in “The One.”
After looking over my list, I realized that in essence I was looking for someone who I woke up every morning excited to be with. When I had the epiphany that for this relationship to be as magical as I hoped, they had to be thrilled to be with me in return; it hit me like a ton of bricks.
In my current state, I wasn’t a good vibrational match for what I wanted to attract.
Would a guy who was in great emotional and physical shape want someone prone to depression and a good 40 pounds overweight?
Probably not. And if he did start dating me, the loving, kind, sweet guy I pictured would eventually feel disappointed. Being the nice guy I imagined him to be, he would never start making proclamations about me seeing a therapist or losing weight, but he might feel disappointed enough to not feel like he got an amazing deal when he was dating me. Clearly, disappointment and resentment is the archenemy of a solid, lasting partnership.
- Do you want someone to reluctantly give up their search for the right person and settle for you?
- Do you want someone to think, “well this is the best I can do?” and embark upon their boring new life with you?
- Do you want them to eye the door every time someone else comes along?
Me either. I shudder at the thought! I’d be willing to bet that you want someone who can’t believe they are so lucky to be with you and vice versa! In order to get that, you are most likely going to have to up your game.
Dating is a marketplace like any other.
Say you are shopping for a house. You have a set budget. You go out and look at two homes that are side-by-side, same neighborhood, square footage etc. For the same price, you can choose either: house A, a fixer-upper that has been ransacked and needs new everything or house B that has been meticulously maintained with tender, loving care.
Which do you pick?
All other things being equal, I’d be willing to bet that you would choose house B unless you are a masochist who loves spending time and money on home improvement.
Dating is like that. Consider that the people out there who you are interested in dating, your target market, can choose you or they can choose your competition. Can you really blame them?
Everyone is out to get a good deal.
This leads me to the point. In a world of nearly infinite choices, what would you rather do? Would you rather fix yourself up emotionally and physically and start developing the attitude that you are worth having someone great just like you, or would you rather represent the fixer upper to potential mates? If you aren’t attracting the right people, it’s time to look within.
Obviously there are things you can’t change, but a lot that you can. You can work on your emotional environment. You can reduce stress. You can get in better shape mentally AND physically. You can work to improve your life so that potential mates would jump at the chance to be a part of it.
In essence, the best way to attract the right person is to be the right person.
The choice is yours.