Here are six ways, supported by the research of Dr. John Gottman, to ruin your relationship. Once couples start doing these things, their relationships are at risk of breaking up as well as being completely awful in the meantime.
If you’re interested in getting rid of someone in short order and long term, combine all of these as the perfect knockout punch for your limping, sad, relationship.
1. Be Critical
If you really want to get rid of them, be as critical as you possibly can. Try to make negative comments about what they’re wearing, their weight, what they say, the way they say it, how they treat you and anything else that even slightly bothers you. Don’t let them slide. You want to make it as clear as you can that they are screwing up. Tell them all the time. Some people call this nagging, other people call it “success.”
2. Show Them Contempt
Make sure that along with your constant criticism, you provide a good, strong dose of eye rolling, anger and outright disgust. Make sure that they know they are off base by backing it up with your negative body language. If you have to, practice your eye rolling skills in the mirror.
3. Be Defensive
Did they mention that they would like something done a certain way? This is a perfect time to trot out all of the reasons why you weren’t doing anything wrong. Completely refuse to see their point of view under any circumstances, even minor ones. No matter how logical their suggestions, requests or arguments are, tell them they are wrong and have misjudged you. Make it impossible for them gain the upper hand or even feel heard.
Tired of hearing pesky complaints that you are not doing a good job as their parter? Just outright refuse to listen. It helps to be watching tv and not even look up. Don’t acknowledge that negativity, you don’t need it. Do not cooperate with basic requests either. Respond to their questions with more questions. Make them feel as marginalized and unimportant to you as you possibly can.
5. Be Jealous For No Reason
Did you feel like they might be ogling the waitress or waiter? Point it out in dramatic fashion. When they protest, tell them that you just don’t believe it. Refuse to hear arguments to the contrary. Drop the bomb, then stonewall.
6. Obsessive Communication
Adopt the mindset that 10 minutes is too long for them to not hear from you when they aren’t in your immediate sight line. Make sure that they can’t get a moment to think without you. Make sure that you are constantly initiating boring, go-nowhere conversations while they are at work, at the grocery store, any time they are out of your sight.
If you can incorporate some nagging, this is a good way to incorporate #1 as well. Then when they actually are in front of you, it’s time to stonewall. This will “keep them on their toes.”
Note: this is a work of satire. However, if you are actually interested in being miserable and ruining your life, please do all of the things on this list.