To be diagnosed with any mental disorder and have your family doubt if it’s real is one of the toughest things someone could ever deal with. But when you have borderline personality disorder, it feels like the worst thing possible.
BPD is difficult to deal with on its own. Emotional instability that manifests itself in unstable relationships and self-image, like you’re jumping from one extreme end of the spectrum to another all the time. There is never an in-between.
Before I was diagnosed, I spent a great lot of time wondering if other people function the same way I do.
It didn’t feel right, how I function, but I thought if someone else did the same things, maybe there was nothing to be bothered about. It was always just one of two things: either I am really depressed or really hyper – not necessarily really happy. The only consistent thing about me was that I was always over-thinking, and sometimes I could literally feel total chaos in my head as thoughts raced and jumbled into one massive pile of mental torture.
It wasn’t obvious, to say the least, because I got great at faking it around people. But I had, and still have, sketchy relationships, especially with friends. Sometimes it seems like I trust too much; more often, I don’t trust anyone at all. I remember specific moments when I just find myself not caring enough, if at all, even for the closest friends I have, and I do things – mostly impulsive, ridiculous things – that I know might threaten my friendships without much regard to the possible cause. It feels like some sort of nightmare, or a curse. And then I just wake up and realize that I don’t want them gone in my life, and they actually mean something to me, and I make it up for whatever I’ve done wrong.
And then the cycle just resets.
I used to think that I was just naturally mean, although I knew I wasn’t deep down. The truth is, it often feels like there were multiple sides to who I am, and then there would be moments when I could not figure out if any of them were even the real me.
But the thing that makes it harder is when you have no concrete support, especially from the people you’d expect to be there for you. When the support you need becomes doubt, as they insist that you are not sick, that nothing’s wrong with you, that everyone goes through the same things.
I still don’t know how to deal with it, to be honest. I’m still not sure how to convince my family that this is more than real and if only they could see what goes inside my head, they wouldn’t doubt for a second that this is a matter not to be ignored. To people like me who suffer borderline, or any mental disorder, and find themselves in a similar situation, let’s stay strong.
What we have is a problem, and we should treat it as a problem, but never as a definitive factor to who we are.
It is difficult to be unlucky enough to get doubt instead of support, but I am with you. We are going to get through this. We will find ways to be better and live above this disorder. Believe me, even if they don’t believe you, and even if there are times when even you don’t believe in yourself, I believe in you.