Pro// You get to play around with cool hairstyles (although I use the term “cool” very, very loosely in my own case). There are a lot of follicles on your head to have fun with so while everyone else is watching Jimmy Fallon on Youtube, you’re balls deep in that fishtail braid tutorial. Hello, beauty guru. You learn those skillz and before you know it, you’re graduating past ponytails to a masters degree in curling-iron-crafted “beachy waves.”
Con// Short ‘dos are straight forward. Not a ton of room for creative expression, which can actually be a good thing because long hair’s kind of like a mood ring. There’s nowhere to hide when your mental wellness.. or lack thereof.. is on full display depending on whether you’re rocking the messy bun (you’re feelin’ sporty and spunky), you’ve blown it out (you’re trying to impress a guy), or you’ve just let it air dry (you’re homicidal).
Age ain’t nothin’ but a number?
Pro// Long hair signifies youthful, classic beauty. Men claim to prefer it (it must remind them of their high school girlfriends because, Freud). And not every lady has the scalp strength to pull it off, so a full head of fringe is something to be proud of! Forever young, babe. You whip all that beautiful hair back and forth like an Herbal Essences commercial. Just please don’t start moaning.
Con// Women typically chop their locks as they.. mature.. leaving you constantly wondering, “Am I too old to pull this off?” It’s not cute to be the Real Housewife with the full weave who clearly can’t let go. Plus, all the “it” girls are rocking pixie cuts these days anyways. Therefore, your hair becomes not just a minor physical attribute, but rather a daily trigger for full-blown existential meltdown. How will you know when it’s time to wield the scissors?!
Pros// Hair products are fun and indulgent. I’d rather not delve into the DAYS of my life I’ve squandered sniffing shampoos in the beauty aisle. They’re so fucking fragrant, half the time you’re not sure whether to drink out of the bottle or dump it on your head. Al-o-ha because every shower feels like a trip to the tropical smoothie bar. And truth be told, splurging on the good stuff feels a bit more justifiable when you’ve got long locks. There’s more surface area to worry about!
Con// Let’s get real, washing long hair SUCKS. Do you know how long this takes? No stellar stash of gorgeous-smelling goos can make up for the fact that by the time you’re done shampooing and conditioning your scalp, you’ve suffered through a full upper body workout and also probably sprouted 3-4 greys, that much time has passed. If you wanted to work your triceps, you’d go back to Pilates. And don’t even start on drain cloggage. There’s always so much hair all over the tub, you towel off every day believing you’re terminally ill.
Pro// Long hair is easy, breezy, beautiful. Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe she has extensions but regardless, a full mane is made to go au naturale. You’ve got no crazy angles or choppy layers to worry about, therefore you never have to worry about coiffing your hair into just the right face-framing shape. Make like a supermodel and let that marvelous mop fly with no frills!
Con// Who are we kidding? Long hair maintenance sa-hucksss. Skip styling it and watch how quickly you resemble not a windswept Gisele, but a raggedy-ass Kristen Stewart fresh out of whatever underground cave she lurks in. You woke up like ‘dis? No shit. Everyone can tell. And if you just so happen to put the effort in, blowing your ‘do out and wearing it down, a gust of wind is guaranteed to wreck it in 0.5 seconds, sticking it to your red lip gloss and smearing that all over your face. You show up to Date Night looking like the Joker. Why so serious? Because Mother Nature’s a bitch and you almost died on your way to dinner asphyxiating on your own damn hair. To say you’re “serious” would be putting it very mildly.