I Hate Da Club

Earmuffs, Deadmau5. This place is so sad and I hate it. It’s a breeding ground of insecurity and side-glances, everyone twerking and strutting in such desperate ways that I feel openly uncomfortable watching the self-esteem issues fester so publicly. The club is the land of the passionless: these are the people who have no hobbies, the people who are solely fixated on the notion of picking up a stranger because their daily lives provide them with no meaningful outlet through which to meet another with shared common interests. Even a sloppy college bar feels decidedly more organic and truthful than the sleaze shellacked onto the vinyl walls and the cheapness sewn into the velour couches of this place. In the club, I cannot even try to pretend that I enjoy shaking my ass provocatively while looking over my shoulder to make sure the sexy beard guy has noticed that I want him to jump up on it.

Any group of girls who go out saying “I just want to dance” are lying when they enter the club. If dropping it low was your night’s sole purpose, you’d have descended upon the dive down the street and danced by yourself because the vodka-induced rhythm inside you was just that hard to suppress (re: Snooki). Clubs are the living, breathing equivalent of online dating: people just desperately want to snag someone. The flashing lights and deafening thumping of bass are an equalizer too: to tolerate it for any length of time requires a certain degree of inebriation, which therefore improves everyone’s chances of getting laid. No one looks comfortable here though. Girls are vacuum-sealed into bandage dresses and dangerously teetering on shoes that make them resemble newborn baby fawns. Guys are clustered in groups and conspiring about prospective scores, even their desperation reeking as their eyes frantically dart across the room and watch the clock approaching closing time. And as if the insecurity wasn’t already dripping from the rafters, the club’s bathroom is always fluorescently illuminated as though specifically designed to further promote self-loathing and therefore boost liquor sales. The club is like gym class, where one’s personal validation derives from being “chosen” by another equally-as-lonely stranger who finds your physical appearance sufficient enough for a one-night-stand. Is this really how you want to meet people, based purely on the superficial pretenses of this murky techno-bleeding underworld?

I’m no nightlife elitist and I’ve certainly paid my fair share of ridiculous cover charges to get sh-tfaced with my girls on $10 vodka sodas, sweating through our makeup while busting moves to Akon. But in terms of the opposite sex, the kind of Saturday night that excites me the most includes regular conversation and laughing and all the awkward nuances that comprise getting to know a guy I like. These idiosyncratic pieces of dating disappear in the club. And what I’m referring to doesn’t even have to be in a bar at all; the simple act of sitting on the couch can be great, conjuring the jittery nervous feelings you hadn’t felt since high school. To me, this is the provocative stuff. I don’t think there’s anything sexier than flaws and wrinkles and moles and vulnerabilities, most of which you WON’T find obscured under the strategically placed darkness of the club. Of course physical attraction will always play a part in why we like each other, but I’d take chilling out with a six-pack of beers and talking about books and music and old stories any day over wobbling around on a pair of stilettos, hoping that I starved myself enough that week to catch someone’s eye under the strobe light.

If your night’s sole purpose is to melt into a faceless pulsing crowd and lose yourself in the anonymity of drunken lust, the club is your ideal destination. And hey, I suppose that every once in awhile it’s good to feel some liquor seep through your pores as you close your eyes and fist-pump. But you’ve got it all wrong if you’re looking for a meaningful connection in this place. The club makes no apologies for utilizing physical appearance and alcohol consumption as its primary matchmakers and therefore you cannot hold it accountable when you contract an STD from the candidate it pairs you with. The real deal’s usually found in your everyday life and so please stop complaining about being perpetually single if you’re spending every Friday and Saturday night at Bungalow 46. TC mark

image – bhav.bhav

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  • SMH

    Detox after a stressful week by flailing my arms like an idiot. I love it. Sorry.

    • fzct

      that’s ass backwards.  you’re toxifying yourself with overpriced booze and an artificial atmosphere full of fake people.  keep lying to yourself that this is relief from work stress.  see you on the therapist’ss couch in a few years.

      yeah, you’re pretty…

      …pretty vacant.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

        Yes… Fake people.  Those aren’t actual humans at the club, they are cardboard cutouts!

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        OOH SICK BURN BRO 

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

    • http://www.facebook.com/rabbitslayer21 Alex Ball

      Exactly! Nothing wrong with letting go on the floor. I think the misunderstandings about this article have arisen from misplaced expectations. Nobody really expects a deep, committed relationship to start with Excision and MDMA. If I’m seeking a relationship (an intelligent, down-to earth, fun girl) I’ll simply look elsewhere. The art of coffee-shop dating isn’t dead yet.

      Great writing by the way Liz!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_ICOAYHGEZCDBVXNJYQWGOWH3FY Ziya

    “Any group of girls who go out saying “I just want to dance” are lying when they enter the club.” Yes, absolutely. I actually used to be in denial about this, but it is the sad truth that deep down every girl (and guy) there is hoping to hook up with someone by the end of the night.

    I’ve quit the clubbing scene anyway, since i realised it was actually a pretty damn anti-social activity, especially when 75% of the time you’re just pretending you can hear what the other person has said. That’s right.. keeping smiling and nodding.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

      I agreed with the first portion of her statement, but disagreed with the concept of dancing at a dive bar.  By definition, a dive bar isn’t for dancing.  It’s a place for drinking, juke box music and playing parlor games.  If there is dancing, it’s because a bunch of 20 and 30 somethings commandeered the bar from the old people who frequented the bar to escape their life for a bit.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

    • Irakli

      You are just so right.

  • macgyver51

    Yeah, I’ll take cold beers and sitting with friends over that foolishness anyday. Stuff like this makes me glad I chose those boring suburbs.

  • Anonymous

    Two years in and I have yet to step foot into a club.

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    If you want to dance go to a gay bar, I am dead serious.

    • douchegirl

      Exactly. No need for straight males gettin’ all up in my grill when I just want to dance with my girls. And “my girls”.

    • douchegirl

      Exactly. No need for straight males gettin’ all up in my grill when I just want to dance with my girls. And “my girls”.

  • Kandi Kids

    Most people I know going to shows like Deadmau5 are going to the club on to get ecstasy with a group of friends and enjoy the light shows and really just dance. They’re the “kandi kids” who look down on people trying to fuck on the dance floor. 

  • JLMP

    seems like a very judgmental article

  • Anonymous

    i love da club

  • Guest

    Sounds to me like when you go to the club your friends are picked up and you’re overlooked!

  • Prinez55

    yeesh, a little judgmental dontcha think? i’m in a relationship and i go out “dancing” to have a fun girls night out – not to hook a guy. since when is this a crime? think twice before generalizing an entire group of people you obviously don’t know – it’s insulting and makes you seem ignorant.

    • Tay

      “hey, I suppose that every once in awhile it’s good to feel some liquor seep through your pores as you close your eyes and fist-pump. ” maybe YOU should read the blog before judging.. because you seem ignorant. Its a generalization but with the realistic edge which justifies going out every once in a while.. it generalizes the people who’s “sole purpose” is to do this(which is probably you by your response). Pay attention. It’s actually pretty funny 

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

        The problem with the article is she spends the majority of it talking shit about people who club, how she’s more enlightened for not clubbing and just comes off like a judgmental person.  She, of course, realizes this as the assholey behavior it is and tries to give herself an out by dropping the line you quoted above.  I’m sorry, but that doesn’t rectify it.

      • guest

        and im guessing your one of those low life people.

  • Lola

    This is exactly how I feel about da fucking club. Love it. 

  • Darren

    I can relate to terrible nights at “da club” as referenced here, but this was still super pretentious. Many people who go clubbing on a regular basis aren’t dirty heathens and are just as likely to be STD-free as the next twenty-something. Love matches, while admittedly less likely, have occurred at bars in my experience. I happen to enjoy going to the club from time to time, have met people there, and don’t have a sign of herpes on me. 

  • Darren

    I can relate to terrible nights at “da club” as referenced here, but this was still super pretentious. Many people who go clubbing on a regular basis aren’t dirty heathens and are just as likely to be STD-free as the next twenty-something. Love matches, while admittedly less likely, have occurred at bars in my experience. I happen to enjoy going to the club from time to time, have met people there, and don’t have a sign of herpes on me. 

  • Darren

    I can relate to terrible nights at “da club” as referenced here, but this was still super pretentious. Many people who go clubbing on a regular basis aren’t dirty heathens and are just as likely to be STD-free as the next twenty-something. Love matches, while admittedly less likely, have occurred at bars in my experience. I happen to enjoy going to the club from time to time, have met people there, and don’t have a sign of herpes on me. 

  • Darren

    I can relate to terrible nights at “da club” as referenced here, but this was still super pretentious. Many people who go clubbing on a regular basis aren’t dirty heathens and are just as likely to be STD-free as the next twenty-something. Love matches, while admittedly less likely, have occurred at bars in my experience. I happen to enjoy going to the club from time to time, have met people there, and don’t have a sign of herpes on me. 

  • Darren

    I can relate to terrible nights at “da club” as referenced here, but this was still super pretentious. Many people who go clubbing on a regular basis aren’t dirty heathens and are just as likely to be STD-free as the next twenty-something. Love matches, while admittedly less likely, have occurred at bars in my experience. I happen to enjoy going to the club from time to time, have met people there, and don’t have a sign of herpes on me. 

  • Darren

    I can relate to terrible nights at “da club” as referenced here, but this was still super pretentious. Many people who go clubbing on a regular basis aren’t dirty heathens and are just as likely to be STD-free as the next twenty-something. Love matches, while admittedly less likely, have occurred at bars in my experience. I happen to enjoy going to the club from time to time, have met people there, and don’t have a sign of herpes on me. 

  • Darren

    I can relate to terrible nights at “da club” as referenced here, but this was still super pretentious. Many people who go clubbing on a regular basis aren’t dirty heathens and are just as likely to be STD-free as the next twenty-something. Love matches, while admittedly less likely, have occurred at bars in my experience. I happen to enjoy going to the club from time to time, have met people there, and don’t have a sign of herpes on me. 

  • MondayMonday

    what a buzzkill this is

  • christine

    i really really love this and connect with it. especially the part about club goers having no interests. it may be judgmental but nowhere on TC does it say judgmental articles are not allowed. 

    great work

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    “Is this really how you want to meet people, based purely on the superficial pretenses of this murky techno-bleeding underworld?” — Of course not; but on the other hand, the likelihood I’ll run into them while walking from my apartment to the bodega at 3am to re-up on Ballerina Tea is greatly diminished when compared to picking up dudes at the neighborhood dive.

    Great visuals from this; well done.

  • Assirammmmmm

    hi guys everyone that writes at TC is NYC & this accurately describes the NYC club experience. lolz. might be different where you guys are writing from idk..

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1199700474 Ethan Hawes

    The fuck is Bungalow 46?

  • Justin

    There will always be outiers and to those, this will seem pretty ignorant. I was at first offended by this article and then realized I am probably In the minority. I go to clubs strictly to dance. If a girl wants to come up and dance with me then hey, let’s have fun dancing but i have never gone to the club with the intention of finding a boo and have yet to take home a girl from the club. Often times I have even been seen pushing away my drunk female friends as they try to crowd me while i dance. Sorry, i like music and dancing IS one of my hobbies. Thanks for discrediting that.

    • Chick

      Being gay does not mean you are part of the minority.

  • et

    it’s not that club goers have no interests, it’s that the collective interest involves drunken sexual pursuit. little more.

    and who still calls it “techno”?

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