Dear Apathetic Hiring Manager,
Hello, my name is Susie McGraduate, I am applying for the low-paying entry level position that I came across while obsessively searching Indeed.com in a wine-fueled haze. I firmly believe that I am highly unqualified for this position, however I would appreciate it if you could hire me anyway out of sheer pity.
I attended the prestigious Mediocre University, where I studied a major that has absolutely nothing to do with the job I am applying for. You’ll notice on my resume that while attending college I was president of the Future Leaders Association. You and I both know that there was no Future Leaders Association, but please pretend like you don’t. I actually spent my four years watching House Hunters reruns to the point where I feel I have a personal relationship with Suzanne Whang. I have also held an internship at the company where my mom works, where I learned valuable skills like how to stuff envelopes, work a Keurig machine, and make elevator small talk. These are just a few of the handful of disappointing skills I would bring to your company.
In your ad, I noticed you listed “Microsoft Office Proficiency” as a requirement. I, as a functioning human being of the 21st century, am equipped with this ability. I also noticed you listed “SEO knowledge,” and “a fundamental understanding of jQuery, Adobe CQ (AEM), and SPSS.” I have no idea what any of those things are but I am going to say that yes, I can do all of those things! I will most likely Google them on my way to the interview. Lastly, you stressed your need for a candidate with at least three years experience. I’m not even going to address that because there is no way I can possibly make you believe that one summer of lifeguarding in 2011 somehow translates into practical job experience. I’m just going to cross my fingers and hope you make a mistake when reading my size-16-font resume.
If you have any questions regarding my underwhelming qualifications, please feel free to give me a call at (123) 456-7890. Please. Please, please call. Even just to say hi. Even to tell me no. Just please, for the love of all that is holy, give me a sign that these applications aren’t being lost in a black, endless void, never to be read by even an intern.
Thank you so much for briefly scanning this depressing cover letter!
Susie “I Should Have Applied To Grad School” McGraduate