This Is The Honest Cover Letter All New Job Seekers Should Look At

Flickr / studio tdes
Flickr / studio tdes

Dear Apathetic Hiring Manager,

Hello, my name is Susie McGraduate, I am applying for the low-paying entry level position that I came across while obsessively searching Indeed.com in a wine-fueled haze. I firmly believe that I am highly unqualified for this position, however I would appreciate it if you could hire me anyway out of sheer pity.

I attended the prestigious Mediocre University, where I studied a major that has absolutely nothing to do with the job I am applying for. You’ll notice on my resume that while attending college I was president of the Future Leaders Association. You and I both know that there was no Future Leaders Association, but please pretend like you don’t. I actually spent my four years watching House Hunters reruns to the point where I feel I have a personal relationship with Suzanne Whang. I have also held an internship at the company where my mom works, where I learned valuable skills like how to stuff envelopes, work a Keurig machine, and make elevator small talk. These are just a few of the handful of disappointing skills I would bring to your company.

In your ad, I noticed you listed “Microsoft Office Proficiency” as a requirement. I, as a functioning human being of the 21st century, am equipped with this ability. I also noticed you listed “SEO knowledge,” and “a fundamental understanding of jQuery, Adobe CQ (AEM), and SPSS.” I have no idea what any of those things are but I am going to say that yes, I can do all of those things! I will most likely Google them on my way to the interview. Lastly, you stressed your need for a candidate with at least three years experience. I’m not even going to address that because there is no way I can possibly make you believe that one summer of lifeguarding in 2011 somehow translates into practical job experience. I’m just going to cross my fingers and hope you make a mistake when reading my size-16-font resume.

If you have any questions regarding my underwhelming qualifications, please feel free to give me a call at (123) 456-7890. Please. Please, please call. Even just to say hi. Even to tell me no. Just please, for the love of all that is holy, give me a sign that these applications aren’t being lost in a black, endless void, never to be read by even an intern.

Thank you so much for briefly scanning this depressing cover letter!

Sincerely,
Susie “I Should Have Applied To Grad School” McGraduate TC mark

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