A Bostonian’s Concern: 10 Reasons Why Hosting The Olympics Is A Giant Mistake

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1. There will be an influx of jocks, leading to an epidemic of wedgies and swirlies. 

2. The Olympic village is a well known adrenaline-fueled sex party, and this furious athletic orgy most likely cause an STD outbreak throughout Massachusetts. It should be noted that these would be Olympic strength STDs, each little virus adorned with an itty-bitty gold medal and freakishly muscular arms. Boston will be powerless against them.

3. Traffic. 

4. Boston is no Hong Kong; it has a very small population comparatively, meaning we’ll probably all be drafted into performing in the opening ceremonies. You could be forced to wear a black body suit and perform aerial stunts in tribute to Julian Edelman. Maybe you’ll have to play a lobster in a Legal Seafoods ballet. Or your kids will have to sing a choir version of “I’m Shipping Up To Boston.”

5. Remember how everyone at the last Winter Olympics instagrammed how awful the Olympic village was? And Russia’s terrible planning and construction was exposed? Do we really want our terrible planning and construction exposed? 

6. Matt Damon will probably come into town to speak at the opening ceremonies. Hollywood cannot spare him. The Olympics will be too much of a distraction and his movies will suffer. 

7. Someone could be impaled by a stray javelin. 

8. Dunkin donuts may become so popular that it will no longer be Boston’s best-kept secret. 

9. They will probably have to knock down all of Cambridge to make room for the stadium, so we will each have to house a displaced family for the duration of the games. Where will the good people of Massachusetts store so many fixed-gear bikes?

10. Everyone knows Tonya Harding placed a legendary curse on the Olympics, damning the host city to plagues, floods, and broken kneecaps. TC mark

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